Review: Game of Thrones – The Wars to Come

HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS. This thing is back! I’m back! Sloucher.org is back! The previous paragraph is aligned to the right! Only the audience isn’t back. Sheeeee-it. We lost you all to Furious Seven, which is fine and dandy because you can’t ignore the siren call of The Stat. Anyways, the story so far: -Most of Season (or series for you stuck-up Limeys) One’s major … Continue reading Review: Game of Thrones – The Wars to Come

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Review: Game of Thrones – The Children

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HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS.

I can’t think of any jokes this time around but I’m thankful they started to tie some loose ends. Even if it meant some marvelous display of violence.

Hey, have you read my Lana del Rey review? I’ll let you click the link. No? Ok, then repent your sins, crack open a beer (or the head of any Stark near you) and celebrate Father’s day with this episode of Game of Thrones. 

Continue reading “Review: Game of Thrones – The Children”

Review: Lana Del Rey – Ultraviolence

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Ahoy, fellas! Since I’m waiting with bated breath for the final episode of season 4 of Game of Thrones, I realised I was really looking forward to the terrible violence that will ensue. You could say I wanted violence beyond violence. Ah, you could say I want some… Ultraviolence?

My editor, knowing full well that I have “a thing” for Lizzie Grant, aka the yang to Lana Del Rey‘s yin (not ying), managed to get his pal Rollo Tomasi to send him a reviewer’s copy of this album because fuck trying to get it from the label. So, grab a peppermint chamomile tea and read my in depth gushing of the new Lana Del Rey joint.

Oh, and spoilers… A RANT:  Continue reading “Review: Lana Del Rey – Ultraviolence”

Review: Game of Thrones – The Watchers on the Wall

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Hi, people who still mourn Oberyn‘s dashingly good looks getting perma-ruined last week.  My name is Orestes P. Xistos and I’ve upgraded my position in this Shithole of a Website (TM) called Sloucher. Once I reviewed singles & EPs, I now write about a show that is basically 50 Shades of Grey for bros/lads/patanes.

Hey, the editors at this place allow me the occasional Monty Python reference and I get away with reminiscing my days as a Dungeon Master. Like last week when The Mountain rolled a natural 20 and with all his bonuses (bonii?) was able to do a called shot to Oberyn‘s mug and smash it up (Offspring style!) . I know a couple of DMs who wouldn’t allow that, but it’s the sort of assholes that don’t allow for players to be Ranger/Cleric dual class. So fuck ’em, let’s play this by house rules, even if it seems it’s House of Lannister‘s rules. Which is very grim for our lovely Tyrion. Oh, well, maybe some enterprising Mage (lvl 5) can cast Transmute Rock to Mud and spring Our Beloved Dinklage out of prison? Is Wentworth Miller doing anything? Can’t we cast him as another lost Lannister brother? Howzabout he guest stars as Orson Lannister? That could work? “Hey guys, I faked my death ‘cuz I needed to spring that pudgy dude from Blade Trinity!

C’mon, you know it’s believable ‘cuz no one would honestly accept they’ve seen Blade Trinity. Not even the cast accepts filming  Blade Trinity. “Sure, Mr. Jason Lee lookalike Ryan Reynolds, you weren’t in Blade Trinity… Although I don’t believe your story about your clone starring in that crappy Wolverine movie.”

Sorry, for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself.  Repent your sins, crack open a beer (or the head of any Stark near you) and read my spoilerific and inaccurate take on tonight’s episode, The Watchers on the Wall:

Continue reading “Review: Game of Thrones – The Watchers on the Wall”

Review: Game of Thrones – The Mountain and The Viper

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Hi, people who were offended I reviewed a shitty Dr. Who episode last week, this one’s for you.  Hi y’all, my name is Orestes P. Xistos and I’ve upgraded my position in this Shithole of a Website (TM) called Sloucher, from reviewing singles & EPs, I now write about a show that is basically 50 Shades of Grey for bros/lads/patanes. So bow wow wow yippee yo yippee yay.

Repent your sins, crack open a beer (or the head of any Stark near you) and read my take on today’s episode, but first, a recap (unimanie rezyume): Continue reading “Review: Game of Thrones – The Mountain and The Viper”

Review: Game of Thrones – Mockingbird

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“Man, Fred Durst is really looking old these days”

Hi, people who … HOLY SHIT! Have you read this thing about HBO offering a mixtape to reach out to the (and I quote) “urban, multicultural audience” , as in, HBO wants to appeal to “African-Americans, Latinos and the broader “urban” market.” (source)

The mixtape is here. WARNING: IT INCLUDES PITBULL. Reggaeton is coming to your land of  fantasy, swords, plots and sex, Westeros (more like Westsideros, amirite?)

DISCUSS: Should Sloucher reach out to the “urban market”, especially since the owner is some crazy Mexican? Do we need a mixtape with Control Machete, Cartel de Santa and Paralamas to bring more readers?

Sigh y’all, my name is Orestes P. Xistos and I’ve upgraded my position in this Shithole of a Website (TM) called Sloucher, from reviewing singles & EPs, I now write about a show that is basically 50 Shades of Grey for bros/lads/patanes. So bow wow wow yippee yo yippee yay.

Repent your sins, crack open a beer (or the head of any Stark near you) and read my take on today’s episode, but first, a recap (unimanie rezyume): Continue reading “Review: Game of Thrones – Mockingbird”

Review: Game of Thrones – The Laws of Gods and Men

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Hi, people who are happy without having to listen to that sodding Pharrell song, my name is Orestes P. Xistos and I’ve upgraded my position in this Shithole of a Website (TM) called Sloucher, from reviewing singles & EPs, I now write about a show that is basically 50 Shades of Grey for bros/lads/patanes.

Repent your sins, crack open a beer (or the head of any Stark near you) and read my take on today’s episode, but first, a recap (unimanie rezyume): Continue reading “Review: Game of Thrones – The Laws of Gods and Men”

Review: Game of Thrones – First of His Name

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Hi, people who are happy identifying with the genre they have chosen (fuck yeah, multiple choice), my name is Orestes P. Xistos and I’ve upgraded my position in this Shithole of a Website (TM) called Sloucher, from reviewing singles & EPs, I now write about a show that is basically 50 Shades of Grey for bros/lads/patanes.

Repent your sins, crack open a beer (or the head of any Stark near you) and read my take on today’s episode, but first, a recap (unimanie rezyume): Continue reading “Review: Game of Thrones – First of His Name”

Cats:For:Peru – Tender Branson EP

There’s days when the cognitive dissonance between “fanboy” and “critic” exacerbate the already bloody conflict in the head of a humble servant. Today feels like both sides are out with all guns a-blazin’, as the newest EP by Cats:For:Peru puts me in the difficult position: should I be honest or should I be empathic?  Continue reading “Cats:For:Peru – Tender Branson EP”

The Sunday Soapbox – The Box

Howdy, you beautiful carbon units typing on ergonomic keyboards and sipping chai-lattes with demerara sugar that is both ecofriendly and fairtrade and recyclable. It is me, Orestes P. Coltrane Xistos (P is for Pisstake) and I welcome you with open arms (and a Turk-slaying knife) to this new edition of The Sunday Soapbox.

Today’s rant: Richard Kelly‘s The Box.

Continue reading “The Sunday Soapbox – The Box”