Hi, people who … HOLY SHIT! Have you read this thing about HBO offering a mixtape to reach out to the (and I quote) “urban, multicultural audience” , as in, HBO wants to appeal to “African-Americans, Latinos and the broader “urban” market.” (source)

The mixtape is here. WARNING: IT INCLUDES PITBULL. Reggaeton is coming to your land of  fantasy, swords, plots and sex, Westeros (more like Westsideros, amirite?)

DISCUSS: Should Sloucher reach out to the “urban market”, especially since the owner is some crazy Mexican? Do we need a mixtape with Control Machete, Cartel de Santa and Paralamas to bring more readers?

Sigh y’all, my name is Orestes P. Xistos and I’ve upgraded my position in this Shithole of a Website (TM) called Sloucher, from reviewing singles & EPs, I now write about a show that is basically 50 Shades of Grey for bros/lads/patanes. So bow wow wow yippee yo yippee yay.

Repent your sins, crack open a beer (or the head of any Stark near you) and read my take on today’s episode, but first, a recap (unimanie rezyume):

Previously, on Game of Thrones (one sentence recap):

4×01 – Two Swords: Prince Oberyn and his steady boo go into dis stankass ho-house. Dey fuck like Dre Day.

4×02 – The Lion and The Rose – Nobody does a libation in honour of fool king who got 86ed like Biggie outside that party. Sansa gets carjacked.

4×03 – Breaker of Chains – The Hound acts a fool in some po’ boy’s crib and jacks all his swag. He did it for the Crunk, yo.

4×04 – Oathkeeper – Jon Snow, that dumb ass honky, gets some homies together to invade Craster‘s turf.

4×05 – First of his name – Oberynn Dogg is told by Queen Bee Cersei that her daugther, “Me-EZ-a!” Lannister likes boats, so she put a boat inside a boat for her to do some ship-bys on other gangs.

4×06 – The Laws of Gods and men – Stannis gets mo’ money mo’ problems while Yara and her homies do a drive-by in some dude’s crib but get their asses owned by the boyz n th’ fort. Tyrion finds that it’s not all about the Benjamins (baby).

Oh, right, Mockingbird.

SPOILERS

So after the very dramatical end to last episodes’ “Imma bust a cap on yo ass!” speech, Tyrion is in jail, talking to Jamie Shagshissister, considering what to do. This conversation goes nowhere, just like this paragraph.

Meanwhile, no more than one disemboweled man away, Cersei talks The Mountain into doing what he does best (bub), because she really, really, really hates Tyrion. We jump to Arya Stark and The Hound walking by what looks like The Peak District and they find the destroyed farm of the Old Man from Scene 24. While the poor sod is bleeding to death, we get a bit of Philosophy 101 about destiny and how “nothing is nothing”, which basically mean they quote Matrix Reloaded. Then we get some euthanization (via dagger) and then The Hound gets a very bad hickey. He breaks the guy’s neck (Kids! Always ask before giving hickeys!) and Arya stabs some idiot who just stood there waiting to get killed. Who trained these bozos? Blofeld? Jebus almighty, it’s like:

“Do you expect me to confess?”

“No, I expect you to die. But tell me your name first…”

“Sure it’s Expendable Minion, why do you URGH!”

“Suckeeeeeer!”

Anyways. Arya has killed a man in cold blood (again!) and this is Game of Thrones proving that videogames, music and films aren’t to blame on kids going on a killing frenzy, it’s them hanging out with seasoned assassins. We must ban these seasoned assassins now, because, think of the children! Why won’t Westeros think of the children?

We cut to Jon Snow, who knows nothing of old school science fiction movies when nobody in power believes the good guy about Impending Doom (TM) until Impending Doom (TM) happens. This is known as a Cassandra Truth. Better stock some tuna cans and chocolate and make it to another place, Jon Honky. 

Oh, somewhere along this episode we cut to Melisandre O’Nakedone who basically tells a woman she’s done the dirty with said woman’s husband (Stannis of Notappearinginthisepisode). Some weird analogy was made about potions and magic and how easily misguided can men be when presented with something that will distract them. Like this scene.

Bow wow wow, Tyrion Tyri-eeh, Tyrion is in the motherfucking house! We get another scene with the only likeable person in this Shithole of a Show (TM) and it’s another conversation, this time with good old compadre Bronn… who declines from defending Tyrion from The Mountain. Curse this True Neutral aligned characters and their sudden but inevitable betrayal! This is as sad as the beef between 2pac and Biggie.

Oh, wow, more Dragonlady stuff. I wonder what sort of political intrigue we’ll get from… oooh, sexy time! Anyhow, Dany does the “nasty mambo” with NotEric Bana and tells him to go and kill some people offscreen, because, fuck it, this entire plot thread is as stale as Wonder Bread left in the back of a Ford Fairmount.  Jorah of Friendzone sorta guesses what has happened and has talk with Dany, not about love (that ship has sailed…and sank) but about what constitutes justice and revenge. And colour me surprise (no, not neon green!) because this sort of works as a conversation and she tells him to stop NotEric Bana from slaying, instead showing mercy. So either she truly was shown that revenge is not the way forward or she just wants both dudes to kill each other while she uses her Dwagons (DWAGONS!) to obliterate the place. Because we all know that this woman is an allegory to the phrase “hell hath no fury as a woman who owns dragons, erhm, dwagons scorned.”

Just like my ex.

Sorry, for a moment there, I lost myself, I lost myself.

Arya is very worried about The Hound‘s hickey, so she offers to cure it with fire. The Hound knows well that Arya got this from some bozo on WebsterosMD and politely refuses while opening up about his past. Daaaaw, it’s the seasoned assassin with a heart of gold! Can’t wait for him to kick some puffins with an orphan on the next episode to balance it out.

WARNING: Sloucher.org does not condone puffin on orphan violence. 

Meanwhile, Brienne and her loyal stooge stop by a pub and have some Pukka Pies (with gravy and chips but no mushy peas because who the fuck eats mushy peas?) and they encounter Hot Pie (no, not a spicy sausage and jalapeño pie – some random dude) who goes Bubba on them and tells them all about shrimp pie. Later, mere seconds from cutting to another scene, Hot Pie sneaks out from the pub (Ye Olde Dead Stark) and tells them that he has seen Arya and proceeds to give them an important looking MacGuffin.

And we cut back to Tyrion. In jail. Still. But, what a surprise! There is hope! Someone is offering to save him, clear out his name and get the real killer. This person talks in strange tongues, manipulates everyone around and might be more clever than he looks.

Sorry, I saw something today that truly disturbed me and was wondering if this could set a precedent for Game of Thrones too. Anyways, get busy living or get busy dying. Prince Oberyn comes by and talks with Tyrion. Is he toying with The Mighty Dinklage or is he being honest in offering help by getting his revenge and 86ing The Mountain for killing Oberyn‘s sister (#everydayviolenceagainstwomenism)? Whatever happens, Tyrion‘s face is the same as when you relief yourself after a 13 hour flight with no toilets (fuck off, Pan Am.)

Meanwhile, Sansa is building a little cute Winterfell made of snow and some random creepy kids comes around and kicks it. Sansa is scared shitless when the little booger eater yells “WHAT’S THIS? A CITY FOR ANTS?” Then Petyr Baelish walks conviniently into scene and goes full Polanski on poor Sansa. This is witnessed by the creepy aunt, Lysa Arryn, who, like any rational human being, sorts it out by chucking Sansa through a hole.

Nah, just kidding, she is stopped by Petyr, who remembers he’s a descendant of Chris Brown and chucks Lysa through a hole and Sansa is worried that her entire arc in this season is too look scared and be the hapless woman who needs rescuing. Petyr then renames the place to Queen’s Landing. I’m going to hell for that joke.

We close the show with this scene:

So…the damage:

Naked-o-meter

Extended naked scene by Melisandre for Nudesposition.

Quote of the week

“If you want justice, you’ve come to the wrong place” Tyrion talking about Mexico City King’s Landing.

Chris Brown’s Scale O’evil deeds (TM) :

-Random dude gets impaled.

-Random dude gets disemboweled.

-Evil woman walks over said bowels without losing her grip nor class. Maybe it’s Cersei, maybe it Maybelline. 

-Random dude gets headsliced.

-Random euthanasia (via The Hound‘s+5 dagger o’heart slaying (TM))

-Random extreme hickey giving.

-Random neck breaking.

-Random killing perpetrated by a girl. You see? It’s bad company what drives children to crime, not videogames.

-Random friendship backstabbing.

-Random mensploitation (is this even a term?)

-Random nudity to distract you from inane dialogue.

-Long takes of nude woman’s bottom as she continues her dreary exposition.

-Naked chemistry class (man, imagine filling the Health and Safety forms for that.)

-Irresponsible medicine advice via MedievalMD

-Random scheming.

-Random Polanskinization of character.

-Random loveless kiss.

-Random acts of violence via gravity.

Verdict:

Tyrion is still in jail instead of doing a three wheel motion with his homies. Fuck this bullshit. Take it away, Mr. Dinklage.

See you next week.

Words: Orestes P. “P for Pisstake” Xistos