HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS.
I can’t think of any jokes this time around but I’m thankful they started to tie some loose ends. Even if it meant some marvelous display of violence.
Hey, have you read my Lana del Rey review? I’ll let you click the link. No? Ok, then repent your sins, crack open a beer (or the head of any Stark near you) and celebrate Father’s day with this episode of Game of Thrones.
Play by Play review
We start this SEASON ENDER YOU GUYS with Jon “Pendejete” Snow walking towards the Free People/Wildlings with no sword, no back-up and not even a packet of Eccles cakes. You know no manners, Jon Snow! He is surrounded as quickly as a cop walking into Tepito. Mance, the king beyond the Walmart, lets him inside his tent and they talk subtly about the snow zombies we just want to see 86ing these silly humans. Negotiations are slightly off, just like the rotten milk they are drinking and just when Mance susses out that Jon wants to drop him like it’s hot, Stannis and his Rohirrim raid the place, just like those overzealous grunts from the UK Border Patrol.
Just kidding. The UK Border Patrol is a noble institution.
ANYWAYS, everyone does a libation in honour of Mag the Mighty and Grenn the Dead Bearded Crow, while Jon pleads to Stannis to listen to what Mance has to say and, you know what? It’s about time people start to listen before beheading/executing other characters. Maybe then they will all stand a chance against the White Walkers who probably will appear around season 9 or so. They are as slow as this plot, man.
Meanwhile, The Mountain is getting some quality treatment by the NHS, but this quack says he can save him from something called a Manticore poison. Cersei, in a moment of confusion, chooses homeopathy over allopathy. Cersei then taunts Tywin about incest and since she still needs to do something in this episode, goes and indulges in some incest with Jamie. GROAN! We go back to Dragonlady who STILL is having meetings with the released slaves. While she talks with some guy called Fennel or Oregano or Cinnamon, I wonder a few things:
-Just how long is the line to talk with her?
-What are the opening times for audiences with her? Are there any Fastpasses with Donald Duck’s mug on them?
-Do they have entertainment for said lines? I imagine there’s no mp3 players or shit, so they have to get entertained.
Oh, some guy is very sad because HOLY FUCK, his daughter got KFCed (extra crispy, obvs) by one of the cute lil Dwwwwaaagons. In a sad, perfectly shot scene, we see Daenerys chain the cute lil Dwagons in a basement. It’s actually heartbreaking, with only the “Bambi’s mom got shot!” music intertwining with the CGIed look of betrayal the dragons (I mean: dwaaaagons) get. Poor scaly dudes!
We cut to the funeral pyre at Castle Black. All bodies are being burnt just to prevent them getting reanimated. Last time some became undead horrors, they had to let that asshole Ser Rick of Grimes out of his cage and kill the White Walking Dead. And we don’t want that. Meanwhile, Jon crispifies Ygritte‘s still super “hubba hubba*” corpse north of the wall. All my lame jokes are trying to cover that this was a sad scene. Just as sad as this one. *I feel dirty.
This is getting depressing, but we thankfully escape to Hodor and Bran, who finally see that tree that sings about the colors of the wind. Just when it seems everything’s coming up Milhouse for our characters, we get what’s pretty much the best fucking action scene from this season. Why?
SKELETONS! Fuck yeah! for someone who played RPG games and loved Harry Hausen, this fight was flippin’ awesome. Sure, Jojen gets shived by a treacherous skeleton, but Hodor smashes a few boney ones, Meera splits another in half with a big ass axe and then this creepy kid starts casting fireball/magic missile and perma-destroys skeletons. And Jojen‘s body. Because, zombies and Rick Grimes, yes?
They go inside this cave (that totally casts Dispel Magic at the entry, so the skeletons disassemble) with the kid and they are taken to a not too friendly lounge filled with bones, with Knowledgeable Old Guy (TM) talking about uh, I dunno, still reeling over those awesome skeletons, dude. The conversation ticks all the cliché lists about Bran being the Neo of Game of Thrones. No, really, he even mentions the flying thingy and stuff. Team Bran, man, Team Bran! Fly like an eagle / let your spirit soar!
YAAAAY! Brienne of Connie Nielsen Cosplaying and her useless lackey awake to find their horses robbed (or badly tied) and keep walking through the lovely hills of Ireland. Then they meet Arya and The Hound, who was just taking a dump. OMINOUS FOREBODING TINGLING. After a few crossing of words, The Hound and Brienne pretty much play out what a divorce is like, only less bloody. They pull no punches (but a few strands of hair) and then The Hound meets the business end of gravity. Yeesh. Arya comes by and after hearing him talk about regret and not shagging enough women, walks out on him, without actually seeing him die onscreen and neglecting his petition to get a mercy kill. Is there hope for The Hound, this show’s equivalent of Omar Little?
Poor Hound. If he makes it, he’s going to be so angry he’ll join the nearest chapter of the MMRM (Medieval Men Right’s Movement). C’mon, with the amount of violence against women, you know these fuckers are around.
Finally, we get to what really matters in this show: PETER DINKLAGE! He’s all crestfallen, knowing he’s gonna get The Green Mile treatment when, fuck yeah, it’s his incestuous brother, breaking him out of prison. Wait, a brother breaking another brother from prison? From a death sentence?
Tyrion is told to go up a flight of stairs and knock 4 times. Uh oh. Then, Tyrion says “home free” and decides to go kill Waingro. I mean, he goes to his dad’s room at the Hotel Marquis and finds Shae who calls for Tywin, aka “my lion.” She checks out, via medallion choking. Then we see Tyrion ominously walking with a AKrossbow-47 and finds his dad wanking to PlayDragon. After confronting him about unresolved daddy issues, Tyrion MOTHERFUCKING kills Tywin. Like this.
Happy father’s day, asshole.
Tyrion gets the fuck outta dodge thanks to Varys, who ships him by UPS out of King’s Landing. Then Varys hears the bells from the castle tolling and, well, he does this:
We cut to Arya, who gets to a port where a ship carrying a couple of elves, a very old Hobbit, Elijah Wood and a useless wizard are going to sightsee the Colossus of Rhodes. Cue enlightening music with a stylish children choir and that’s it.
I’m done with this show.
For this year.
It’s interesting how much is talked about fathers and father figures in this episode. Jon tells Stannis about Ned being his dad and Stannis changes his attitude. The Hound, a somewhat deadbeat father figure to Arya, is at the business end of a divorce fight equivalent and seems all but defeated by the end. Tywin gets his comeuppance that stems from his fatherly shortcomings. His lack of perception about Cersei and Jamie‘s relationship and his lack of understanding how much beyond the pale he is when looking at the barrel of a crossbow (so to speak) again reflect how the fathers in this series are a bit useless. King Baratheon was not that much of a good father and got killed because of his love of alcohol. Heck, the main father figure in this show we see get his head chopped and put on display.
So lesson here: BE A GOOD FATHER. Or you’ll get crossbowed while in the shitter.
Also, don’t take a dump. No, really, The Hound gets a beatdown while trying to take a dump and Tywin becomes a pincushion.
“Safety? Where the fuck’s that?” – The Hound
No sex, no nudity but we get:
-A guy gets run over by a horse. LOOK BOTH SIDES BEFORE CHARGING.
-Mounted warrior on wildling violence.
-Choking via choker.
-Brutal divorce fight via Brienne and The Hound. Tis was painful to see.
-Crossbowing of a bad character. Actually cheered.
-Crispified dead bodies.
-Crispified dead body of a 3 year old.
-Animal cruelty against cute Dwwwwwwagons.
-Multiple stabbings of a disposable pre-cog.
DO NOT FUCK WITH TYRION!. Sail free, my good man.
What shall I review now? More shitty Dr. Who episodes?
Words: Orestes P. “P for Pisstake” Xistos