Hi, people who were offended I reviewed a shitty Dr. Who episode last week, this one’s for you. Hi y’all, my name is Orestes P. Xistos and I’ve upgraded my position in this Shithole of a Website (TM) called Sloucher, from reviewing singles & EPs, I now write about a show that is basically 50 Shades of Grey for bros/lads/patanes. So bow wow wow yippee yo yippee yay.
Repent your sins, crack open a beer (or the head of any Stark near you) and read my take on today’s episode, but first, a recap (unimanie rezyume):
Previously, on Game of Thrones (one sentence recap):
4×01 – Two Swords: Jon Snow tiptoes back to Castle Black, no one believes him a bunch of Plot Advancing Meanies are coming. They know nothing.
4×02 – The Lion and The Rose – A wedding ends with some dolt getting food poisoning. Standard Mexican wedding (minus a piñata.)
4×03 – Breaker of Chains – Tumblrites, the dreaded unseen army, rally for the liberty of Tyrion, who is off to film X-Men.
4×04 – Oathkeeper – #Same:
4×05 – First of his name – Jon Snow tiptoes through the tulips of Craster Keep and becomes a terrible orthodontist.
4×06 – The Laws of Gods and men – Tumblrites manage to get a Change.org petition approved, getting thousands of crucified slave owners de-crucified.
4×07 – Mockingbird – “One day, Lisa Arryn, it’s POW through the moon(door)!”
Oh, right, The Mountain and the Viper.
Well, it all starts with a recap because you crazy gringos skipped a Sunday because, Memorial Day cocktails and BBQs. Acceptable. In the spirit of Memorial Day, the people of Mole’s Town are having a good old drink-a-thon, with corn on the cob for everyone because times are good. Then, some shrilly underwritten fille de joie menaces Gilly (who I still believe looks like Romana). Turns out this concubine is a racist who engages in Wildlingphobia and just when it seems it’ll be over for poor Gilly Romanadvoratrelundar, the Wildlings drop by and kill everyone in town. Because, shucks, Instagram is down and it’s due the people of Mole’s Town torrenting True Detective. Gilly raises her Character Shield and she’s safe. FOR NOW.
Meanwhile, no more than one unladen swallow flight’s away, the five-oh at Castle Black wonder if they should do something about the Wildlings or wait for a ratings’ conscious episode, like, let’s say, the next one. So they just sit around waiting for more True Detective seeders.
We cue to the obligatory naked people in a river that involves all sorts of stalkerish glares. UGH, Grey Worm, I’m now assigning you THIS ringtone, you perv. Missandei and Boring Dwwwwwagon Lady have a conversation about, uh, “the pillar and the stones” that might or might not be in Grey Worm‘s naughty bits. Then Missandei and Grey Worm are talking and I wonder: How the fracked sandstone aquifer can this dude have a deep voice if he is missing The Fountain O’Testosterone?
Me thinks “unsullied” is still packing. Anyways, they talk and it basically seems to boil to Missandei telling him “hey, thanks for stalking and oogling.” PissChrist on a pritt stick in the MOMA, this is terrible. Can we skip these characters for something more palatable, relationship wise?
Oh, look, it’s Reek and Ramsay, the totally non-obvious parable of an abusive relationship. Anyways, Reek is told to impersonate Theon Greyjoy, that is, impersonate himself. So he goes to Castle Aaaaaaaaaaargh and talks with Captain Redshirt who sees through his po-po-po-poker face and promptly gets an axe to the temporal lobe. The rest of the disease ridden soldiers surrender because the Bolton‘s promised them mercy. HA HA, just kidding, y’all got flayed. We cut to a charming shot of some recently flayed redshirt and then Ramsay is now a full Bolton, which makes me think if getting accepted to #TeamBolton involves flaying people. Still a better job than McDonald’s, I guess.
Wait, why would you want a place like Moat Cailin? It’s full of disease with people falling sick here, there and yonder….just like McDonald’s. So, did they went all copaseptic and cleaned the place with Dettol? Did they do the flaying under acceptable rules via PETA? Did they wash their hands afterwards? All flayers must wash hands…
Gordon Ramsay Bolton and Roose Bolton then go on top of a mountain just to get a discount from the local tourist board (hey, those landscapes have to bring tourists, right?) They admire the moors and marshes they now own. I know believe Ramsay Bolton is just a bully with daddy issues. Man, this show is turning into Psychology 101.
We move to Littlefinger in a courtroom. Sadly, the judges are as easily fooled as the one from Night Court and Sansa just “adjusts” the truth of what happened to Lisa Arryn. HANG ON A SECOND! I’m a certified Dungeon Master and this constitutes an alignment change. Let it be know henceforth that all experience gained by Sansa Stark will be halved, per D&D 2.5 edition rules (or at least my house rules.) Anyways, she changed alignment because it’s better to be corrupt than be a nice person in politics. She completes her alignment change by changing into sexy clothes and smirking, which is obviously symbolic. Just ask Jean Grey.
We cut to Ser Jorah getting kicked out of the Dwwwwagon Lady‘s realm because he sorta sold her out a few seasons ago and this is all about grudges, darn it. Ser Jorah rides out of town, crestfallen and blue balled. Sorry, man, but you can always go back to Plenty of Fish. I’m sure Tyrion being in jail certainly left a lot of people free for DTF (URGH, I felt dirty typing that.)
Meanwhile, Petyr Baelish does his best Roman Polanski impersonating and walks with Prince Robin, who still has mommy issues. Hey, sometimes a banana is just a banana. Arya and the Hound come by and he still laments taking those Acai berries to heal his infected wound. Arya laughs off Lady Arryn‘s death, which is a natural reaction to anyone not watching this show when you explain them what it is about. No, really, that laughter was as disturbing as the one Haley Joel Osment does in A.I.
Hey, it’s Tyrion time! He dabbles on a conversation about gods, history and what really is the pecking order in a family of bullies like the Lancasters, I mean, Lannisters. The fight starts and he begs Oberyn to stop drinking and wear a helmet. FUCK YEAH, FOREBODING! The fight starts and Oberyn fights like he is Darth Maul, quickly messing with The Mountain slightly brutish attacks and dealing a few called shots (THACO -6). Oberyn wants a confession and confirmation that Tywin is responsible of his sister’s off-screen death.
Sadly, Oberyn critically fails a Saving throw vs Gloating (Wis -3) and, uh, this sorta happens.
Which leads to a piece of dialogue with this dude:
“Oberyn Martell, prince of…”
“Blah,blah, I’ll write down ‘not good enough for king’. What happened to you?”
“Well, I was fighting in this trial by combat to save the life of this dude called Tyrion, who everyone in fandom seems to love.”
“But my ulterior motive was to kill the person who killed my sister. Even if it meant doing a terrible Iñigo Montoya impersonation.”
“Well, I was swashbuckling the hell outta him, the crowd was entertained and I was about to get a confession from my mostly departed enemy…”
“I gloated too much and he grabbed my head and cracked it like a cantaloupe melon…”
“PFFFFT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well, seems you “lost” your head in that fight, right? You must have a splitting headache, right? You could’ve won but your head was all over the place”
“Go on, off with you! You are through the afterlife…just mind your head!”
Goodbye, Oberyn, you suave devil. No, actually, go fuck yourself, now Mack Daddy Tyrion is DOOMED. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED #FreeTyrion.
Naked people in a river. Gee golly willickers, people, check for lampreys and crocodiles, please!
Quote of the week
“Far too much has been written about great men, and not nearly enough about morons” Tyrion.
Chris Brown’s Scale O’evil deeds (TM) :
-Random dude gets his throat cut.
-Random courtesan gets shish kebabed.
-Extended pillaging violence.
-Everyday speciesism against Wildlings.
-Female on female violence (brief).
-Random axe to the head.
-Random flaying of minor characters.
-Random alignment change, much to the anger of the DM. AND YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH A DM. Sheeesh.
-Slightly acrobatic fight moves preceding some slashes and gashes.
-Eye gouging. Extended and in HD for your viewing pleasure.
-Random face smashing. For kids.
Fuck this kangaroo court. Take it away, Mr. Dinklage.
See you next week.
Words: Orestes P. “P for Pisstake” Xistos