HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS.
This thing is back! I’m back! Sloucher.org is back! The previous paragraph is aligned to the right!
Only the audience isn’t back. Sheeeee-it. We lost you all to Furious Seven, which is fine and dandy because you can’t ignore the siren call of The Stat.
Anyways, the story so far:
-Most of Season (or series for you stuck-up Limeys) One’s major players are now permakilled or in a treehouse with a creepy old dude called Mick Jagger.
–Tyrion and Varys are on a road trip. See the featured image to get a flashback to your 90s.
–Dany is still waving her white saviour/dragon privilege ass all over some boring political thing that makes The Phantom Menace entertaining in comparison.
–Podrick and that tall lady that rocks (Brienne for those keeping the score) are still lost in the Lands of Fan Fiction.
–Peter Baelish is actually Roman Polanski (except less sleazy).
-I still getaway with unfunny jokes (inside brackets) because my editor in chief is asleep on the wheel. ON the wheel, not at the wheel, I wouldn’t trust him with driving.
SPOILERS AND RANTS INCOMING. Get a stiff drink like my main man, Tyrion:
Play by Play review
It’s a dark time in Westeros. Not only is Sean Bean still estranged from his head, but Hodor is sippin’ chamomile tea and Gendry is still rowing. So we have to stick around with dull as dishwater characters.
Oh, hey, Cersei! So it’s young Cersei and her disposable Brunette friend walking Into The Woods, where they meet a peppy witch that warns her in a pitch perfect rendition of a typical Sondheim Staccato Song (TM). The witch drinks blood from Cersei‘s finger (not a euphemism) and proceeds to spoil her the rest of the series. Then the witch tips her fedora and disappears in a cloud of #notallwitches smoke.
We then flashforward (the scene, not the shitty show) to current day Game of Thrones (which is shit but not as shit as Flashforward). Anyways, the flashback seems to be intended to give some background to Cersei‘s constant scheme: she still is scared of the witch’s prophecy (unconfirmed by Reddit), which basically said: your husband will fool around and your sons will die before you. Well, that’s wrapped up, milk’s cancelled and the cat’s out of the house, right?
No. We cut to the wake of a terrible dictator who corrupted his country. Then I realised I was watching Hugo Chávez funeral and I barfed for three hours. So Cersei blames Jamie for Tywin‘s death and then Cersei is confronted by another jerk: cousin Lancel, who is now in a religious cult that wants to go Torquemada on Westeros. She ignores him. Ominous looks and music convey that this will come back later, also on HBO, as Going Clear.
Meanwhile, no farther than an unladen swallow’s flight away, Tyrion gets released from his box (that looks more spacious than a RyanAir seat) and starts sulking, which proves that he truly is Jon Snow‘s brother (oh, fan theories). So Tyrion McWeepy drinks himself into stupor while Varys convinces him to go on a roadtrip to see that entitled lady with the dragons. Tyrion only accepts because there’s a couple of White Castles on the way there and they make the best sliders in Essos.
We jump to Mereen where I promptly fall asleep. I think someone got their throat caught while cuddling inside a brothel and we get a glimpse of two dragons doing dragon-ey things. I dunno, this is absolutely boring the hell outta me.
Can’t we go back to Tyrion?
Anyways, one of The Unsillyed gets himself hallal-ed and Greyworm (that cool guy that looks like Mickey from Dr. Who) is asked what would an Unsoiled would be doing in a brothel. He confesses that they love the buffet there so the case is solved as death by buffet gluttony. Phew, imagine if it had been a crime perpetrated by a guy wearing a mask stolen from the set of Gladiator?
Anyways, politics, politics, politics. We are supposed to care because we are teased about dragons and they are MIGHTY PISSED that they haven’t been at all in this show that promised dragons and gave us dicks and titties, which works if the saga was called A Song of Dicks and Titties, but I digress…. so the dragons are angry, they spew some cool as CGI fire and Dany legs it out and gazes with terror as she realises she hasn’t updated her Tumblr in a week. A WEEK.
UGH, enough of this Phantom Menace…ON SAND! malarkey and let’s go to this season’s buddy comedy, Brienne & Podrick in the moooorning! They both are mourning that The Hound is not Yarping anymore and miss Littlefinger and GothSansa by this much –> __.
Yeah, this show has turned into a Charles Dickens book. Don’t believe me? Well, PolanskiFinger & DarkSansa are back from leaving poor Robyn Arryn in the hands of Artful Dodger and are plotting like that scary witch from Downton Abbey. LittleRoman even had one of those secret raven messages delivered to him, which he hid in his +5 magic sleeve o’hiding (TM). It probably was about Baltimore‘s budget.
Is this guy evil? Well, he still is alive in this season, doesn’t seem to be that easy to kill and its even money this fucker’s a playah that’s gonna bury us all…
We cut to Jon McWhiny, who has been practising his pouting during the off season. Cheer up, dude, that shitty Pompeii movie is just a bad memory now! Melissandre requests Jon to stop moping around for his slightly bereft of life Wildling girl and come with her to the top of the wall. Snow was already half nekkid when Melissandre Ofclothesmissing clears that she meant taking the lift up the wall.
Damn these horny Crows who took the black! Anyways, as a good Dutch woman, Melissandre asks Jon if he is a virgin and he just swipes left. Stannis the Manis and Davos Onionslicer meet him on top of The Wall and they tell him that Mance should join them on a quest to 86 the evil Boltons (Roose, Ramsay and Michael) who have made their abode in Winterfell. Turns out the Boltons didn’t clear with the council the new look of the place and its garishness is unfitting with the rest of Westeros. I predict Nick Frost will guest star soon…
Fear Stannis fanatical devotion to proper architectural design, mofos! So Mance has just until nightfall or he gets felled. Jon Bore tries his best to convince Mance but he remains as defiant as that little village of indomitable Gauls in northern Armorica.
So Stannis the Mannis says: “screw this dude!” and he’s due for execution. You know what follows now: a million billion fans who read the books quoting this meme:
Melissandre recites some speech about how the one true God made a miracle and helped her keep her clothes on this episode and she sets fire to Mance to celebrate. Before our doomed Wildling King becomes flamed marshmallow, Jon Snow puts him out of his misery…by shooting an arrow to his knee. Jon Snow knows nothing about archery. Cue credits and change the channel. You better watch Saul.
-Where’s Arya? Did she got detained at the Braavos port by the border patrol?
–Tyrion comments he had to throw his own faeces out of the box he was stuck in. Still a better option than going to a toilet in a festival. Or flying RyanAir.
–Margaery is a-ok with her brother shagging some rentboy. WHO SAYS THIS SHOW ISN’T PROGRESIVE, HUH?
-Current characters that I like (and probably just doomed to an early death due to this): The Onion Knight, Arya I’mnotinthisepisode, Hodor, Jaq’en LookslikeMcAvoy, Sam Tarly and Tyrion. Make a show about them.
-With the balance of power shifted and a power vacuum created in the aftermath of Season (series!) Four ending, the whole thing feels like it’s touch and go. The seemingly good ending in The Wall didn’t last and with Mance gone, the Wildlings can rebel or follow Stannis out of fear instead of respect, which is never a lasting foundation for alliances. Dany (I refuse to call her entire name out) is just doing one bad decision after another and there are hints she is starting to powertrip a bit (“I’m not a politician, I’m a Queen!”) Cersei is the spawn of evil and whatever happens to her is her own undoing, so I can’t feel bad for her. Jon Snow‘s gonna make some really hard decisions soon and although he is a bit spineless, he might finally see the light. Then again, does that not-knowing dolt can tell the light apart from the dark? Who cares? Sadly, I’m now fully invested on True Detective and I might have a very healthy, very now man-crush on Colin Farrell and his sexy ass moustache.
“No time for love, Dr. Jones!”
- Brothel people doing their thang.
- Two dudes doing the mess around, oh, the mess around.
- One dead prick (Tywin).
“The world is a vampire” – Tyrion Corgan
Screw all those storylines, just give me an hour of Peter Dinklage Rusty Cohle-ing himself to annals of history.
Words: Orestes P. “P for Pisstake” Xistos