Hi, people who are happy identifying with the genre they have chosen (fuck yeah, multiple choice), my name is Orestes P. Xistos and I’ve upgraded my position in this Shithole of a Website (TM) called Sloucher, from reviewing singles & EPs, I now write about a show that is basically 50 Shades of Grey for bros/lads/patanes.

Repent your sins, crack open a beer (or the head of any Stark near you) and read my take on today’s episode, but first, a recap (unimanie rezyume):

Previously, on Game of Thrones (one sentence recap):

4×01 – Two Swords: Ned Stark’s sword, like his body, is split in two and recycled as, well, two swords, one for Blondie McEvil and the other for Jamie “Incest-meister” Lannister.

4×02 – The Lion and The Rose – Blondie McEvil snuffs it. *Applause* Tyrion “Aburto” Lannister becomes someone’s patsy. *Applause dies*

4×03 – Breaker of Chains – Jamie and Cersei help the show jump the shark while, a mere unladen swallow’s flight away, the girl with the dragons friendzones her general.

4×04 – Oathkeeper – That prick from Torchwood (no, not Captain Jack) drinks from someone’s skull and twirls his moustache while quoting Robin Thicke’s new single.

Oh, and an inspiration to NEVER FUCKING HAVE KIDS:

Shudder.

Oh, right, First of his name. SPOILERS

So that kid last week, Tommen Baratheon, is king. Long live the king. To be fair, he looks like he wants to drink Rock-a-dile kool-aid and play Scattergories but he is just a clueless dude put in a position of power while everyone around him plans his every move and makes his decisions for him.

You know, like any politician ever.

ANYWAYS, Cersei “Y’all can’t handle me” Lannister sees recently widowed Margaery “TOTOOOOING!” Tyrell eyeing up the chinese buffet the little kid the throne. Cersei slithers towards Margaery (metaphorically…OR DOES SHE?) and when it all seems to be a predictable exchange of verbal insults, Cersei actually tries to see the best of the situation and offer a glimmer of hope that Margaery is better off remarrying to the younger brother of her recently deceased husband (aka Cersei’s bastard son, Blondie McEvil.)

If this sounds shocking, you obviously don’t know politics. Anyways, Margaery pretends not to covet being queen and Cersei throws #43 in the book of woman looks: “yeah, right you don’t.” Which works out well, because later Cersei talks to Tywin, her manipulative dad (which is ok, because politics) and he tells he they might as well form a good alliance with the Tyrell‘s, ‘cuz right now Casa de Lannister is so broke MC Hammer said “daaaayuuum, you guys are sooooo broke!”

So, Game of Thrones is now like a romantic comedy where people marry because they are broke. Wait, no, that’s Spaced.

Meanwhile, no more than a naked swallow’s flight away, Dany “Dragon lady” wanders into a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode. She finds out what bureaucracy is too. She talks with her trusted advisers and the fuckers seem to know ALL that is happening in Westeros. This is when I wonder: How do they know? Is there a Game of Thrones‘ equivalent of Wikipedia/Twitter carrying all the latest details to them? These dudes are too well-informed. Probably denizens from TVTropes.

So we jump to Arya Stark who tells The Hound (aka the medieval Omar Devine Little) that her name is Iñigo Montoya and she’s gonna kill everyone. Then she gets slapped because this episode has been so boring we need to hurt a Stark and have violence against women. That’s two birds (PUN NOT INTENDED) with one stone for the writers.

Talking about Stark violence, Sansa is taken by Petyr Littlefinger to some lost keep that looks so Irish I can see Clannad between the archers. Sansa‘s aunt, Lysa does her best Mommy Dearest impersonation and burns her actor’s guild card in a brazier of overacting. No, really, both she and Petyr are pretty much re-enacting this:

Obviously, Sansa is the poor little Muppet. Only less huggable. Anyways, this is your weekly “Shit,Sansa is in trouble” part, which makes me think she is Kim Bauer in disguise. We cut to Lady Brigitte Nielsen and her silly squire, who can’t even cook a rabbit and we are treated to a shot of a bunny carcass flaming over a campfire.

PRO-TIP: Flaming Bunny Carcass would be a great name for a Scandinavian metal band.

Anyways, Brienne of Nielsen and Podgy Podrick, well, the writers  are obviously trying to pair them together in a Planes, Trains and Automobiles sort of way, only instead of bonding over holidays and loneliness, they are bonding over sticking spears in guards’ heads. ROMANCE. Your lesson : try to help a woman with her armour and you’ll be scorned. Tell her you drove a spear through some guard’s head and you have won her heart.

Yes, I’m still single. Why do you ask?

ANYWAYS: We cut again to Cersei talking with some guy writing prose, they walk in a garden and talk and… you know what? This show has turned into My dinner with André, only with more porn and violence. I thought this show was supposed to have some violence for us splatter enthusiasts? Are we supposed to put up with *GASP* people talking?

Maybe…but not for long! You see, we jump to Camp Evil, where Owen from Torchwood threatens our plucky band of misfits (Hodor, Bran, Kid from Dr. Who episode, Lady in distress) while twirling his moustache. BUT NOT FOR LONG! Noah Taylor sneaks with his cool goatee and wants to turn poor All Bran Stark into part of his complete murderous breakfast. So he and Jon Snow (who still knows nothing) and disposable good guys go into the camp and duke it out.

Noah Taylor snatches Bran, who switches character Maniac Manson style to Hodor, who breaks his chains and reassembles Noah Taylor’s  spine, vertebrae and collarbone.This is actually enjoyable so I’m 65% deep into “possible psychopath territory.” Meanwhile, Jon Snow knows nothing of dirty fighting, gets knocked by Slimy Owen from Torchwood and is about to fulfill his destiny as a Stark when one of the many women abused for the sake of plot attacks Owen the prick, who kicks her. He’s about to fill his quota of women killed for the sake of proving he is evil when he gets all the tartar from his teeth (via sword in the mouth.) Jon Snow knows that this is SYMBOLIC because last week Owen (or Karl if you are a purist) was drinking from the skull of the sword’s previous owner.

Christ, this is all destiny-fulfilling stuff. Has this show been reading my previous Dungeons and Dragons campaigns?

Anyways, Bran sees Jon and thinks that they need to keep the book nerds happy, so pulls a Remi and goes away. Iin true metal tradition, the keep (Craster Keep!) goes into flames like a church in Norway. If you think that is a bit of prejudice on my behalf, spare me, I sat through 53 minutes of this malarkey and now I know nothing.

So…the damage:

Naked-o-meter

None, but there’s some comically bad sex noises. Unless all sex I’ve had is actually wrong and these were the correct sounds of sex. Wait, I’m watching Game of Thrones : I know nothing of sex.

Quote of the week

“Everywhere in the world they hurt little girls.” A very sad truth both in this world and in ours.

Chris Brown’s Scale O’evil deeds (TM) :

-Loud sex noises!

-A girl gets slapped and lands on her back.

-A guy gets a pointy sword and brushes it off.

-A little girl threatens to kill 75% of the cast.

-A scary aunt hurts a little girl’s hands.

-Random woman is manhandled and pleads to some Fat Robin Thicke enthusiast.

–Fat Robin Thicke enthusiast meets the business end of a wolf.

-A girl is threatened by a one-dimensional baddies offering one-dimensional threats.

-Random swordfight injuries, including a couple of called shots, two (2) critical attacks and one account of backstabbing (roll 1d4 and multiply damage by 6.)

-Neck goes snappy – HODORALITY!

-Sword through mouth. Which is less painful than going to a British dentist or a Mexican plastic surgeon.

-Burning Bunny Carcass! (coincidentally, another great name for a death metal band)

Verdict:

Well, I guess it’s a given tha… WAIT A FUCKING SECOND? Where was Peter “AWESOME” Dinklage? No Tyrion? No stars.

Take it away, Mr. Dinklage.

See you next week.

Words: Orestes P. “P for Pisstake” Xistos