Hi, people who are happy without having to listen to that sodding Pharrell song, my name is Orestes P. Xistos and I’ve upgraded my position in this Shithole of a Website (TM) called Sloucher, from reviewing singles & EPs, I now write about a show that is basically 50 Shades of Grey for bros/lads/patanes.
Repent your sins, crack open a beer (or the head of any Stark near you) and read my take on today’s episode, but first, a recap (unimanie rezyume):
Previously, on Game of Thrones (one sentence recap):
4×01 – Two Swords: Tyrion Lannister does Tyryoney things and gets rebuffed by some dude who is officially a jerk. Nekkid people happen.
4×02 – The Lion and The Rose – Sigur Ros play a cameo. They are not executed. Nekkid people happen again.
4×03 – Breaker of Chains – “Colonialism? What the hell is Colonialism?” Also, nekkid people.
4×04 – Oathkeeper – Tall superwoman Brienne Nielsen of Stalloneos receives a sweet ass armour and a sword from Prince Incest. Nekkid undead people happen.
4×05 – First of his name – Sansa gets stuck in Mommy Dearest. Anya dances like the Swordmaster from Secret of Monkey Island. A church is burnt and someone gets a sword to the mouth. Oh, and the human torch appears:
Oh, right, The Laws of Gods and Men. SPOILERS
You know? I was thinking this show needed a Colossus of Rhodes analogue and lo and behold, it’s the fair port of Braavos, where an ancient evil force lurks, waiting for poor Stannis and Davos. Bankers, of course. Y’see, Davos and Stannis wait for hours (like in any bank) and are treated with contempt (like in any bank.) So Davos has to spin a good yarn to Ser Gattis of Mark to get some cash to raise an army and fight someone else. I don’t know who. Do I look like I understand this show?
Anyways, we cut to the obligatory scene with nekkid people in a bathhouse. We see our old pal, Salladhor Tokenally, who is telling an old joke to some ladies (who are nekkid.) Davos says he is putting the band together and all the nekkid girls in the bathhouse break into Aretha Franklin‘s ‘Respect‘. Salladhor agrees only because there’s money and a good retirement fund for hired hands.
We cut to more naked people. In this case, it’s ne’er-do-well “Gordon” Ramsay Boone-Snow, who is having sex with a girl. You could say he is “booning” her.
I’m going to fry in hell for that. A thousand apologies.
So, couple having sex and then the camera man then remember he is not shooting a porno and cuts to a boat, where Yara, sister of Theon of Choppedpenis is angrily reading a letter to her faithful soldier. She’s so angry you could say She Wants Revenge. We then cut to a scene of Random Medieval Violence (TM), where guards get axes to heads, knives to chests and a friendly throat slicing. You know, for kids! Yara finds her brother in a cage that suspiciously looks like any normal student accommodation in the United Kingdom (just cleaner.) Theon is traumatised and thinking everything is a trap. He’s been broken and feels paranoid, which is technically like joining The Church of [REDACTED DUE TO LAWSUIT]! So Theon doesn’t join his sister, Ramsay the Penischopper brings some guards, everyone fights and Yara realises this is as successful as trying to get a loan from the bank, so she and her surviving red shirts exit, pursued by a plot device and make a move to another episode.
Meanwhile, Ramsay gets Theon into a bath and before pulling a Roman Polanski on him, tells him he is going to use it for evil things (just like Roman Polanski did…). He cackles, dances like Robin Thicke and the #EverydayBrainwashing topic trends in Westeros.
Wait, you know what it is? It’s time for the Dragon Lady storyline to plod along. I wonder how bored we will be this week when OHMYFUCKINGGOD! DWWWWAAAAGOOONS! That dwagon* made some fresh cabrito horneado. Then the owner of the burnt goat (which is much better than being the owner of a lonely heart) goes to Dragon Lady and explains his predicament. This is like that scene in “cute dog films” where the protagonist’s dog makes a poop in the neighbour’s garden. I can’t wait to see Dany look through the window and scold the dragon, who will only reply tilting his cute head. Hey, it worked for Marmaduke!
Anyways, so the whole thing turns into a “blah blah blah, she the queen randomtitle, daughterofsomeone, my dad built this thing” and it’s looking very Lord of the Rings-caliber of boring when a guy says that his father (who built the throne room) met the business end of a crucifixion (which Daeneris offered for free a few episodes back.) She pulls that “OH SWEET IRONY!” face like Marshal Willenholly did once and we calmly run away from this boring tripe. No, really, poor girl pulls a face that looks like she works at HP‘s tech support once she’s told how many people she still has to meet.
Oh, joy! More politics. A bunch of people in power babble and talk about what the other people in the other parts of the land are doing and I wonder again: how do they know all this? Do they have a medieval sort of twitter? Anyways, they all are subtly plotting and gleefully looking at the throne. Case in point: Varys talks to Oberyn and they start speaking DavidMametian, with subtle jabs, hits and tantalizing clues. This is like the film Ronin, but with more sex and less car on car violence.
Hey…my life is getting better because Motherflippin’ Tyrion is in the houuusee! The sham trial (via Medieval Kangaroo Court) starts and it all looks grim for poor old Tyrion. No, really, look at his fookin’ lawyer:
Thankfully, everyone is fully clothed in this trial, although someone might be nekkid in the back and I swear some brute was beating a woman on aisle 3 of the courtroom (it’s Game of Thrones, after all.) So everyone starts piling on poor Tyrion, accusing him of Joffrey‘s murder, global warming and leaving the toilet seat up. He has a small outburst and the court is adjourned. Wait, no one has yelled “objection!” nor any of the judges have said “overruled!” They are missing the chance of a lifetime!
So Jaime O’Incest tells his dad that’ll he do what he bids as long as Tyrion lives free (or dies hard.) So Tywin says, “yeah, sure, trust me, when has a Lannister lied?” and proceeds to eat cherry tomatoes while Pippin sings ‘The Rains of Castamere‘ because it’s not like that song is the equivalent of Pharrell‘s ‘Happy’ for Westeros.
ANYWAYS, I’m bored by now and it all seems to be a done deal for Tyrion: he has to move to the North. Poor dude, he’s going to be sent to the wild lands where “bread rolls” are called “baps”, “buttys” or *GASP* “breadcakes”! So, Tywin is a goddamned Ableist and Tyrion accepts his fate and a MegaHorse ticket (only one pound!) Then we all tremble in fear as his ex-lover Shia of Lebouf comes in and shows that Hell Hath No Fury like a Female Character Scorned. She tells the audience at the court that Tyrion promised Sansa to kill Joffrey in order to score, which is understandable and believable as everyone in this show seems to be doing it for the Nookie. Tyrion feels brokenhearted and has his “you are out of order, the whole system is out of order!” scene and declares that the only trial he’ll take is a trial by combat. So, like anything on the internet, the solution is… FIGHT!
Sigh, when does Community starts again? Oh, yeah, right, Community was written by a Stark and NBC are owned by the Lannister fucks….
-Lots of girls in a bathhouse. Because screw paying attention to the inane conversations.
-Random girl in bed with Ramsay the Penislayer.
-Naked (and toasted) goats!
Chris Brown’s Scale O’evil deeds (TM) :
-A big statue has a broken sword.
-Banks being banks.
-Random Medieval Violence.
-Axe to the head.
-CPR with knives.
-Random Medieval Violence in a dungeon.
-Brainwashed, tortured guy is treated even worse and left for dead.
-Random fiery acts of violence against goats.
-Random sex scene that does nothing for the plot.
-Random acts of violence against entertainment (via exposition).
-A woman’s moral integrity is severely questioned.
-The North vs South debacle continues. Oh, and it’s butty, not breadcake. And for the record: Lea & Perrins > Henderson’s.
See you next week.
Words: Orestes P. “P for Pisstake” Xistos
*Dwagon term stolen shamelessly from Doug The Eagle‘s hilarious Ultima VII review.