Welcome to our weekly column with Russ “chords of gold” Palmer. This week, he had some handy man worries that James May refused to answer, so then he wrote to Black & Decker…
Dear Mr Black and Mr Decker.
I remember my first Black and Decker cordless drill.
Any home improvement desire I could now fulfil.
I remember first using it, I’d measured up, got It planned.
But a slight miscalculation meant I drilled straight through my hand.
I remember for my birthday, my brand new power sander.
I was so ecstatic, life couldn’t get much grander.
I wanted to sand everything , the limit was the sky
I got a little over-eager, took most the skin off of my thigh.
I felt I was a proper man when I got my Workmate.
I could now do all the jobs I want, no need to hesitate.
I hung it in the garage, in the centre, pride of place.
Till it fell on me one Tuesday, forty stitches to the face.
I remember one Christmas I got a sparkling new jigsaw.
I thought it was a marvel, so much I could use it for.
So first of all I used it to shave an inch off of the door
It was all going so well until my fingers hit the floor.
So I’m writing just to tell you that I love your company.
Even though I’ve had the occasional DIY calamity.
So I’ve lost a couple fingers and quite a lot of blood.
It’s a thumb and a half up to you, you boys have done good.
Black & Decker’s reply
Dear Mr Palmer,
We are unsure as to whether your poem is factual or fictional. If it is, as we suspect, a work of fiction then we enjoyed it very much. However if you really have sustained these injuries whilst using our products, we advise you to read the safety information supplied with our products.
Thank you for using our products and we look forward to your continued custom in years to come.
Customer Service Department
Black and Decker