Welcome to our new weekly column with Russ “chords of gold” Palmer. This week, he writes with grave concern to Findus…

Dear Mr Findus,

I have recently left home and my mum was quite upset.

She said how can you leave home when you can’t even cook yet.

So I invited her over to show what I can bake.

I made us all some veg with a Findus Crispy Pancake.

I bit into my pancake and it was as cold as a cadaver.

My mum bit into hers and it was as hot as molten lava.

So for my effort to show my mum the cooking skills I’d learnt.

I got chilblains on my tongue and my mother’s tongue was burnt.

Now she sends me food parcels and I suppose I shouldn’t knock-it,

but they have patronising instructions like plug microwave in socket.

It gets even more embarrassing bringing women to my pad.

When my mum sends something special delivered by my dad.

I try to make out I’ve ordered us food from the takeaway.

“Does the delivery man always spit in his hanky and clean your face” they say.

But if I do get lucky and we end up in the sack.

We get interrupted when mum calls round for her Tupperware back.

Now Mr Findus you must take a portion of the blame.

How can two pancakes, same oven, same time, not cook the same.

Now I’m not writing to cause a fuss or some controversy.

I’m just writing to you for tips on cookery.

To save me more embarrassing culinary mistakes.

What is the best way to cook Findus Crispy Pancakes?

Yours Sincerely

Russell Palmer

Findus did not reply and sent no boxes of crispy pancakes. How about you help Russell and his band, The Unfortunate Incident, drown their instant-food depression with some music this 8th of October at The Bowery?