Jonny’ll fix it … or he’ll fix you is Sloucher’s own “Agony Aunt” section. These are true cases, but the identities of those involved were changed to protect them. Feel free to send your troubles our way.
This week, we talk about a top actor who has been doing some dubious acting choices as of late…
My publicist usually does this sort of thing for me, so you’ll have to bear with me – I’m used to having a script! As that humorous aside indicates, I work in the entertainment industry; you may have seen me in a number of films pretending to be a variety of people – acting, as it’s known by us Hollywood insiders. I don’t want to give my identity away, but I’m something of a big shot. Let’s just say my name is…Liam N.
I have wanted to be an actor since seeing Richard Harris’s moving depiction of Cain in ‘The Bible: In the Beginning’. I particularly admired his refusal to temper his rich Irish brogue for the role, something I have emulated in my own theatrical endeavours. I have portrayed a German industrialist saving Jews from the Nazis, a Scottish folk hero, an Irish revolutionary leader, and most recently a series of jingoistic action heroes and the voice of a Christlike lion; never once making any attempt to modify my accent.
I am a peace-loving son of Ballymena who shies away from conflict unless it is heavily choreographed, preferably using a sword; which presents me with a problem. This isn’t easy for me to say – I am a thespian and therefore incapable of expressing anything unless it’s written down for me – but I think I need to fire my agent. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate everything Mervin has done for me; he got me the role of Dermot in Dinner at the Sporting Club, but the time has come to make a change.
The final straw came three weeks ago. Mervin came to me with a script he was certain I’d like. I only had to read the cover page to know that something had gone terribly wrong with my career.
Schindler’s Pissed! – From the Imagination of Uwe Boll
I could only get through the first twelve pages; the violence was sickeningly graphic and historically inaccurate. Mervin arranged a meeting with with Mr. Boll, who told me that I was the only person he could envisage playing Brent Schindler; the muscular, charismatic Nazi Hunter who breaks into Dachau with a ragtag gang of orphans, armed only with a bullwhip and a wisecrack. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked him to explain his vision: ‘It’s going to be Inglowreous Bahrsturds meets Fern Gully. You know, like a really funny bloodbath, but with an environmental message. Cuba Gooding Jr. is on board for the role of the guard who has a crisis of conscience, and Harry Knowles will play a Moss Goblin.’
I now have a difficult choice to make: whether to stay loyal to Mervin; sign on for Schindler’s Pissed!, and do that buddy road movie George has been working on where Qui Gon-Jinn and Yoda travel to a Star Wars convention to escape a Mafia kingpin – probably Dennis Farina – and pose as nerdy fanboys – working title: ‘Mint Condition, It Is!’ Or sever my ties with EmotiCorp and go back to making films of substance where I don’t have to threaten swarthy men in a gruff voice.
I understand that you have helped some of my Tinsel Town brethren in the past. When everyone else told him it was a ridiculous idea, you gave my squash partner, Kevin, the confidence to make his film about a race of aquatic mutants living on a waterlogged Earth, which he told me went really well; and you helped my old gardener get his screenplay about the sexy escapades of a libidinous gardener, ‘Hoe Patrol’, optioned – the Farrelly brothers want to film it in 3-D.
If you don’t help me, I will hunt you down, I will tear down every tree in the jungle, I will search the bottom of every empty gin bottle, and I will rip the stuffing from your stripy little body with such velocity and ferocity…Sorry, force of habit (blushes!).
Hugs and manly kisses.
Dear Niam Leeson (or whatever stupid pseudonym you used)
I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but currently, Hollywood is like dropping an iPhone down the toilet: it still works, but it stinks of piss and your can no longer bring yourself to play with it. You are just going to have to grin and bear it I’m afraid, as Hollywood has not one standard left. Just browse through these upcoming features and you will see what I mean. In the next year top actors will star in these remakes and sequels;
The Elephant Man 2: The Elephant Man Vs Freddie Vs Jason. John Hurt reprises his unforgettable role as the unfortunately disfigured John Merrick, but this time he has to battle two horror legends.
Tagline: The Elephant man never forgets… To kick ass!
My Left Foot… To Your Face. In this sequel to Daniel Day-Lewis’ oscar winning role, the heavily disabled protagonist teams up with Jackie Chan for a hilarious buddy road movie with the world’s first wheelchair chop-socky kung-fu fight scenes.
Tagline: He can only move his left foot. He can move everything but his left foot. Together they are unstoppable.
Kick-assablanca. Jeff Bridges takes on a bunch of Nazis in Sam’s nightclub.
Tagline: In all the bars, in all the world you had to War into mine.
The Kings Speech 2. Colin Firth plays WWF Wrestler Jerry “The King” Lawler, who needs to make a smackdown speech to The Undertaker to challenge him for the WWF title, but has to overcome his stammer.
Tagline: I’m gonna Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck you up.
So you see Niam, you’ll just have to bite your lip and agree to do Schindler’s Pissed! Because if you don’t do it… Vin Diesel will. And nobody wants to see that.