Welcome to our new weekly column with Russ “chords of gold” Palmer. This week, he writes with grave concern to Twiglets…
Dear Mr Twiglet
I am sat here at my computer enjoying a handful of your tasty treats. I have one in between each finger and can still type effectively, maybe you should market Twiglets to offices as the treat you can enjoy without reducing productivity?
The reason I am writing to you is that I was handed a bowl of Twiglets that were left over from our office Christmas party (how nobody ate these delicious sticks of savoury sweetness I have no idea). Unfortunately somebody carelessly threw away the packaging so I don’t know what flavour I’m eating, but what is really concerning me is that I don’t know what Twiglets are.
We have had a meeting in the office to discuss this and have compiled a list of our most probable ideas:
So, are Twiglets:
1) Twigs covered in Marmite?
2) reconstituted sticks of mashed up twigs and piglets?
3) Baby Twigs?
4) Petrified Chips?
5) Obese decapitated Matches?
6) The Legs from a dining table in a dolls house?
7) Fossilised Cheesy Wotsits that have been buried underground for millions of years?
8) Cigarettes turned inside out and cooked (they are incredibly addictive)?
9) Shane Mcgowens Old Tooth Picks
10) Trees from a special tiny forest at the base of Bovrilamanjaro, that you send a crack team of Lumberjack Beetles with tiny axes to cut down and then float them back up a Bovril river. If this is so are you nor worried about the cause of this on the environment, as apparently the deforestation is growing at such a proportion that each day the an area the size of 7 Hungry, Hungry Hippos boards is chopped down. If this carnage continues at this rate then the world will completely run out of Twiglets by 2086 and we will have to replace them with recycled Twiglets made from MDF and coated in gravy granules. I shall be informing Greenpeace who will hopefully send in a team of activist caterpillars to make tree-house villages to stop the Lumberjack Beetles in their tracks.
Sorry I strayed from the point a little but the question still remains; as a vegetarian who is strongly opposed to deforestation and come to think of it Beetle slave labour, am I safe to eat your ethically questionable snack.
United Biscuits (Twiglets) Reply
Dear Mr Palmer
Thank you for contacting us regarding Jacobs Twiglets which you recently devoured whilst typing the letter to us on your computer.
We thank you for taking the trouble to contact us with your questions/suggestions and we can assure you that there were no deforestation or beetle slave labour used in the making of Twiglets.
The ingredients are as follows: Whole-wheat Meal, Vegetable and Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil, Flavourings (Yeast Extract, Salt, Vegetable Extract, White Pepper, Niacin, Riboflavin), Salt and Cheese Powder. Twiglets are suitable for vegetarians.
Many thanks for taking the trouble to write and I hope this solves the office debate. Please find enclosed voucher which we hope you put to good use.
Customer Services Co-Ordinator.
I received a £1.00 Jacobs voucher bought a pack of Twiglets and have planted them in the garden.