The Newlyweds

The Newlyweds

You never know what’s happening in a radius of a 100 km. Even more, not even 10 or 1. We only know what we need to know when we find about it after the fact.

What I’m about to say I knew by mere chance, and it happened on the highway to Acapulco. Three hours before I heard about this, I saw the tortured body of a man in the central lanes of Periférico Sur (probably thrown from the overpass by his assailants).

But anyways, what happened is that about 20 klicks from Acapulco, 4 patrol cars were blocking the entrance to the highway, diverting traffic into a tethering road (I use the term lightly, think gravel with some sand on top of it) that gave way to a curve-infected road stretching 50 dizzying kms.

Once I got to my destination, I sat in a local palapa to get a prawn cocktail, and the waiter said what happened. He mentioned it could’ve been hearsay, but, as my gramps used to say: a loud river carries water.

So this is what happened. Allegedly:

Some newlyweds were travelling in a big, shiny, white truck with tinted windows. After the last tollbooth, they were stopped by a highway patrol car that demanded a routine inspection. It was 14:35 and the sun scorched the Earth at a furious rate of 32.5°C.

“Where are you going to, people?”

“Good afternoon, officer, we are on our way to Acapulco for our wedding.”

“Please put your hands where I can see them and show me your national identity cards and the papers for your transport.”

“Will do, sir. Dear, hand me the papers on the glove compartment and your id”.

“Yes, love. Such things happening on our wedding day!”

“True, true, love. Such things. Here you go, officer.”

The cop read the documents while taking a butcher’s on the back of the truck. He could barely see through the heavy tinting, but managed to see a magnificent mother of pearl white dress and some intricate flower arrangements that bordered into Baroque.

“Very well, it seems it checks out, but I must warn you that tinted windows are forbidden by federal law. It’s on the book, young ones.”

“It’s a fair cop. We have been meaning to change them as we get stopped often due to this, but between the wedding ceremony expenses and the hectic schedule, we simply haven’t got around to it.”

“As these trucks are highly sought after in this area, we do need to check every single trunk. I do apologise in advance, but I have to ask you to open it.” The cop then radios his partner. “Partner, please come to my aid to do the trunk search.”

“No problem, officer, none at all. I shall open it” – said the groom whilst he descended from the truck. The bride did so too.

After the second cop arrived, the trunk was opened and in the midst of flower bouquets, gift boxes, mementos and the dress, an odd contraption stuck out.

“What is that?” asked the second cop.

“Ah, that’s a very old camera. It’s a family heirloom; my grandfather’s beloved camera. We want to film with it during the wedding.”

“Dear, how about we add an extra bit to our document and we film the cops? Say yes, please? Pwwwwease?”

“I dunno, love. Officers? Could I trouble you? I mean, you’ve already stopped us but there’s still some time to get to our destination. It would be a very quaint memory for us and our family to be. Imagine that, stopped by the police on our wedding day!”

“Ah, I don’t know. You’re right, we stopped you and there’s no reason to keep holding you. We apologise for the delay and yes, we will pose for the shot. Partner, go to the left side of the car, I’ll be on the right side. We’ll pose for them. Just be very quick.”

“Of course. I’ll get the camera.”

In less than two minutes, the old contraption was ready to film and the newlyweds looked at the cops with a playful, almost child-like smile.

“Ready? Smile for the camera! Ready to roll…lights, camera, action.”

So they say that on that moment that a loud series of bangs were heard, maybe a dozen or so, possibly hundreds. They came from the “camera”. The dead, bloodied corpses of the cops were found to the side of what remained of the patrol car by another cop car that was doing the rounds. The highway was then closed and the truck was intercepted a few minutes later. After a short, furious shootout, the “newlyweds” died. Beneath the wedding dress, 40 kilograms of cocaine were found.

Nobody knows what’s happening in a radius of a 100 km. Even more, not even 10 or 1.

Words: Homo Rodans. “…las serpientes tambien saben recitar…”

Loose translation: Sam.

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