Jonny’ll fix it … or he’ll fix you is Sloucher’s own “Agony Aunt” section. These are true cases, but the identities of those involved were changed to protect them. Feel free to send your troubles our way.
This week, we talk about the bane to Sheffield’s city centre (besides the fact that it’s looking like a song by The Specials)…
Dear Jonny Sock
I’m a hard working Sheffielder (is there any other type?) and I’d like to share my problems with you, hopefully you can fix it for me. This is not a matter of the heart, I know, but it is affecting my love life.
I’ve been working at Simian Chick, the nice little retro shop in our hallowed grounds of orange-tinted people, West Street.
You see, I’m the monkey at the till and everyday, in come these strange sort of human females, usually in uniform. They all wear leggings (black), very short skirts (which confuses me – it still feels like winter) and those squishy boots that make them look like toothpicks stuck in pyaz pakora.
Now, I know I shouldn’t judge, as my sense of fashion makes me look like the mandrill equivalent of James May (but with slightly better hair), but they are really getting to me. Some of these girls even make fun of my fine paisley shirts that still smell like an episode of ‘The Sweeney’ and my northerner demeanour.
They also smell of bubblegum and yap into something called an “iFun”, hang around without shopping anything and stink up the place, making my usual clientele (who all use Wayfarer glasses) avoid my place and waste their money at ‘The Blind Cucumber’, that bloody shop where all the “cool kids” now go.
Please, please, please, Jonny Sock, tell me what do to with these girls whose major contribution to the English language is a nonchalant “whateva”.
Yours in a very manly but friendly manner
Mr. P. Staker (esq)
PS: What the hell is “charidee”?
Dear Mr Staker
First of all, I take it you have tried all of the blatantly obvious routes to rid yourself of your ostentatious Oompah-Lumpa infestation i.e:
A) Be as grumpy as possible to the D&G Baked Bean, and tell them to buy something or leave.
B) Be overly nice to the little Terracotta Warrior and don’t stop talking to them till they get fed up/ freaked out and leave.
If neither of these have worked, you need to get to the root of the problem. Like all infestation problems, you have 3 options:
1) Humanely kill the tangerine trespassers. Weirdly enough, legally you can only humanely kill animals. It should be called Animanely. THIS IS NOT AN OPTION!
2) Trap and set free the O-fanta-tans in a wood or glen. I suggest Beeley Wood, maybe at the site where the old Union Carbide site was. That’ll teach them! Again, you can trap animals for a living, but trap a single human and transport them in the boot of your car into the woods and you’re going to jail my friend. Just ask our editors. So, THIS IS NOT AN OPTION!
3) Keep the natural enemy of your Human-Dorito Dilly-Dallyer in your shop, to scare them away. THIS IS YOUR ONLY OPTION!
So, as everybody knows, the natural enemy of the Sunny D-ermatologists is the Emo-kid. These two subsets of teens are the polar opposites and consequently, cancel eachother out.
But, getting an Emo-kid to hang around the store all day would also be mentally draining. So, what you need is the New Jonny Sock Patented “Scaremo”.
The Scaremo is an Emo mannequin that is set on a track around the aisles of the shop. It then slowly mopes on the track around the shop wearing all black, oversized headphones, long black hair covering it’s bowed head so you can’t see it’s robot face and wearing a Team Edward T-shirt.
As soon as the Traffic-Cone Traceys see the Scaremo they will leave and never come back.
The Scaremo is available from:
For a small monthly charge of £159.99 + p&p (paranoia and Paramore)
About the author: Jonny Sock can be found resting peacefully (another gin overdose) in the bass drum of The Unfortunate Incident.