Hey ho dee ho dee da, followers, I’m Orestes Xistos, I was told that Sloucher doesn’t speak often about popular-popular music, so I drank a fifth of vodka (DARE ME TO DRIVE?) and listened to Katy Perry’s smash it about his break up with Russell Brand. No, not that one. No, not the other one. No, not even that other one. Oh, well, let’s dive into this swan dive of a dive bar song.

Precedent:

Who is Katy Perry? For the uninitiated (so lucky thou be), Kyta Pyrre sings a pop genre we like to call “bubblegum pop”. What is “bubblegum pop”, you ask? Well: Flavour lasts 5 seconds or so, it gives no nutrition whatsoever, it’s sticky, you start misremembering the name of the artist, it’s carelessly discarded into the public, you hate it when it sticks to you and leaves you with bad breath. It started with Pachelbel‘s ‘Canon in D minor’ and we are still suffering it.

She had a couple of lil’ hits, but then made it big in 2008 with ‘I kissed a girl’, an infuriating track that was a copy (in title) of Jill Sobule‘s classic (PROOF). Then she made a duet with Calvin “Snoop Woopity Doo Dah, what’s my name now? Doggy Dogg” Broadus, something that became a staple of her discography. Besides the annoying hooks, I mean. Duets with rappers! Because, I dunno, rappers are cool and adding them to a pop song is now a new element in the construction of the modern pop song (or so sayeth a thousand clueless label people.)

Perry then hooked up with the posterboy of every communist wannabe, Russell Brand. You know, that prick from the Arthur remake. ANYWAYS, the relationship had the shelf life of a ripe slice of watermelon and Russell Brand now parades himself as the poster boy of a thousand paper tiger revolutionaries and Cathy Pehrré has made a career out of spiteful songs. Just like every single Mariachi from México, really. The Fernández clan in México lives from your love despair.

The song:

It’s a spiteful song, yes, but if you were married to Russell “Chávez is my hero” Brand, you’d feel like shit too. So I’ll give that to Ms. Perry, because we all have been in terrible relationships. It’s like: you give all you have to someone for 11 years or so and they walk away with a jerkass who plays prog folk. What the actual tarnation? Who’d want to go out with someone like that when you could be with someone who plays vegetarian progressive hardcore?

Anyways, the song has a loud bass “boom booboom!” sound that is guaranteed to destroy both your speakers and your nostrils (bypassing your ear canals). It has the typical pop structure of verse chorus verse, with that bridge that elevates in crescendo towards the rap break. Juicy J then takes it but it feels a bit limp (and not bizkit). Sorry, I like Juicy J, I really do, but this is pretty vanilla, as in “he drank a vanilla coke before rapping this, shoulda drank that fifth of vodka I did.)

AND THEN WE HAVE THE VIDEO.

The video:

WHITE PEOPLE* DANCING THE “BENDY KNEE WHITE PEOPLE DO!

*Disclaimer: I’m white.

 

CREEPY HEAD! What is it saying? THIS: The Penis is evil! The Penis shoots Seeds, and makes new Life to poison the Earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the Gun shoots Death and purifies the Earth of the filth of Brutals. Go forth, and kill! Zardoz has spoken.

 

GRILL!

Oh my fatherfuckin’ Jebus in a pritt stick cross… this is crap. I know her videos are intentionally gaudy, but this has taken the cake, eaten it, read another recipe, made another cake with sweeter frosting and leaving it out in the rain. Between the terrible choreography (really, who bends their knees as a choreography?), the Zardoz head and the revenge fantasy themes, I’m 3 paragraphs from calling it quits and murder an entire orchestra before they finish the allegro. No, wait, that would mean I’d miss the Adagio and nobody wants to miss the Adagio.

ANYWAYS, people are presenting gifts to Perry-abuh-kadhurtotep III (electric candyloo!) and she is disinterested, disintegrating everyone just like a Beholder would do if you failed your saving throws (2.5 edition, nerds). There’s tiny ass dogs, carts with rims (Chris Rock was right!) and gems, lots of gems. Then we have Our Beloved Perry-oh painted like Rihanna in that shitty ‘Umbrella’ video and half-nekkid (hubba hubba?) doing, I dunno, singing by the statues rejected from Dr. Who‘s ‘Blink’.

I… I really can’t say anything more besides she was obviously the inspiration for that flying dude in Captain America: Winter Soldier. The video is two bags of haribo mixed with Ribena and strawberry marmalde, blended for two (2) minutes and left in petri dishes to see what grows.

AVOID. Although it’s better than seeing her swing half-nekkid as Tar-insane of the Jungle or shooting fireworks out of her chest.  I’m a pervert but I swear I’m not into this.

Aftermath:

This song was ridiculously popular. It’s Kary Petty‘s 11th (!!!!!) number one hit, which is a longer than my one and only Kelly Clarkson‘s career. It’s gone 3x Platinum and yes, anyone can make a silly pop songs that are hits (look at Paul McCartney) but the success of this befuddles the frijoles out of me. Heck, if you made the rap interlude better and changed the lyrics a bit, I would buy it. But that’s lalalalalaand, where pop music is a little different and I’m married with three kids (called Huey, Dewey and Louie) and also get paid for this shit.

Sure, there was a controversy regarding that medallion that read “Allah” and it ended up getting digitally removed, but besides that, the song is innocuous, so you all should take this rant that cost you about 5 minutes to read and about 1% of your mobile data allowance as it is: the ramblings of a stuffed cow with a caffeine problem. Which is normal in this shithole of a website (TM). Also: this song was replaced by Pharell‘s ‘Happy’ in the Top 100 and that song sucks so much Hoover asked for the lyrics to make a better dustsucker. Fuck Pharrell, let’s stick with this bubblegum crap then. It has a nice beat.

ALL HAIL TO QUEEN PERRY!

THE PENIS IS EVIL!

THE GUN IS GOOD!

THE REMIX IS BETTER!

Alternatives?

Sure, if you want something Egypt themed, why not check this Spin Doctors’ classic?

Uh, didn’t do the trick? How about this Michael Jackson hellaclassic. IT HAS EDDIE MURPHY. When he was cool. What happened to you, man?

Ah, you want a proper spiteful song? Take it away, Kelly my love:

And that’s that.  If you insult me, you’re committing a hate crime and PETA will be after you. And you don’t want them vicious animal lovers after you, knamsayin’?

Words: Orestes “Maddafacow” Xistos.