Interview – Onslaught

Well, Ladies, Gentlemen and Demented Fictional Characters, we at pride ourselves in being very democratic (natch!) and we ALWAYS want to hear both sides of the story. Whether from rock vs pop, Surrealists vs Realists and Trekkies vs Anoraks, we thrive on hearing both sides of the story (both literally and the Phil Collins song).

With that said, on Monday we brought you the interview with one of our fave bands of all times, Hey Sholay. If you missed it, click here. If not, well, you might be wondering why EVERY SINGLE FRICKINSINGLES COLUMNS WE HAVE DONE have a cartoon at the bottom complaining about Hey Sholay upstaging him.

His name is Onslaught and once he roamed the lands of Marvel Comics, terrorising naked blue chicks (TOTOOOING!) and kicking Juggernaut‘s bottom six ways to Sunday.

Then his reign of terror collapsed.

Why? Well, we managed to get ahold of him. Turns out he was serving at the Krispy Kreme booth in Heathrow and since we had a couple of hours to kill before the flight to Mexico, we managed to get him to answer a couple of questions (and even got an apple fritter, boo-fucking-yah!)

Hi, Onslaught, how are you?

How the fuck do you think I am, puny mortal? I once had the power of the Gods, magnetism, psychokinesis and travel of the ethereal planes and now I’m here, serving non-lactose Lattes and sprinkly doughnuts to fat tourists.

Oh, man, sounds like you are down in the dumps, sorry to hear that. What brought you to this horrible position?

Human resources. Twats.

No, I mean how did you end up like this?

Well, I created myself when Charles “Never heard of Rogaine” Xavier fucked with Magneto “I knew Schindler, idiots!” Lehnsherr‘s mind after Magneto pulled all of Wolvie‘s adamantium in late 93.

For years I faded in and out of existence, both because of lack of control over my interplanar powers and because some fucker called Alan Moore said I was plagiarising something called a “Captain Manhattan” or some shit like that.

I eventually managed to become of physical form and lo and behold, got subpoenaed. Do I look like a blue streaker, showing his willy to everyone?

Well… you’re only a bit of a bellend, but that’s all!

Exactly! Anyways, I go and kick major butt in Marvel’s world. I was unstoppable, a true champion. Lady Gaga or Katy “Tits ahoy!” Perry had NOTHING on me! I could do whatever I wanted…then…that fucking green Bulk or whatever his name is, you know, the bipolar fucker…


That idiot, yeah, he punches me on the one crack in my shiny cute armour. NEVER FUCKING FAILS, you wax your armor, find a dent and the one day you know Pep Boys is open for one day repair, fucking Bruce “Bellend” Banner punches a hole through me. Then the idiot Richards‘s kid banishes me to some fucking blackhole…

Richards…as in Franklin Richards, the son of Mr. Fantastic and Susan Storm?


A stupid booger eating toddler defeated you where someone like, I dunno, frickin’ Molecule Man couldn’t?

Fuck Joe Quesada, that’s all I will say.

Sorry to hear that, no wonder you’re so bitter…

Well… I had that comeback in 2006.


Yes, turns out that Tom Jones was trapped in the same dimensional trap/blackhole… He mentioned never to take a wrong turn in Cardiff…anyway, he and his frilly shirt saved me from an Eternity of Damnation and we came back to Earth. He went and shagged a couple of bints, I just went back to business baby…

So, all should’ve ended well…Joe Quesada fell in love with some idiot called Brian Michael Bendis. They made up all these weird stories and I ended up popping around…for like ten minutes! The ingrates! Then I get sent to some alternate Earth…

Did it go well?

Not really. After all these years where I planned by revenge down to a t, I get sent to a whole different place. Spanner, meet plans. All those magnificent schemes and special moves I had to counter every single attack, including Spidey’s Retconnitis…And what do I get? I get defeated by the parallel Earth version of Captain America‘s dead sidekick, a fucking Robin knockoff. How do you think I feel?

Well, I…

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

You’re not going to do a “Lou Reed vs Spin”on us, are you?

I might… I might…

Look, before you get all angry and damage my macaroons, just tell me…why do you hate Hey Sholay so much?

Well, isn’t it obvious? Don’t you understand why do they always change the reason for their name and their real identities and where the band is from? They are the England branch of The Avengers!

For real?

Yes, they even have a secret base on the lower reaches of Soyo. Heck, why do you think the second room is locked on Monday nights? They are videoconferencing with Tony “chug chug chug!!!” Stark and Captain “Goldilocks” America!

So…they are superheroes?

Yes, and just like you had East Coast Avengers and West Coast Avengers, you had two groups with one member in common. The Avengers had Iron Man (or someone who looked like him) doing duties in both teams, The Empty Pockets and Hey Sholay had a similar looking singer, with the same magic red hat being worn just to fool Venom.

Venom lives in Sheffield?

Well, you haven’t been to the Red House lately, now, do you? Fuckin’ villains lair. You can meet Hobgoblin on Thursdays, he keeps drinking Stella and reminisces about the old days. Heck, even Electro is there on weekends, sipping Carlsberg and wonderin’ where did it all go wrong.

Man, I do feel bad for you

No worries, 2012 looks like a good year for me. I will finally catch up with all my enemies and make them pay one by one.

How do you plan to do that?

Now, now, do you think I would be so stupid to reveal my plans to you?

Well, you are a Marvel villain…

It’s a fair cop…

With that said, Onslaught handed over his plans for world domination. They made for a fun read. No, I’m not going to show them to you. I need a escape plan from this website, don’t I?

Words: Sam J. Valdés López

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