The park, after dark

by Russell Palmer

  Russ had sat on the same bench for hours, chain-smoking his way through two packets of cigarettes. His lungs were seemingly taking the brunt of the awful day he’d had, and sat in a not-to-safe park in the darkness of 2 AM, it seemed his body could soon be taking some of that weight too.

   He knew that this was unsafe, but he couldn’t smoke at home and figured his day couldn’t get worse so he had let the darkness come. The most he could lose was some blood and his fags, and they were mostly gone now anyway.

  Footsteps and breath, far away but approaching. They had to belong to a villain. Who else would be out at this hour? Russ didn’t even raise his head to look, let it be a surprise. The breather joined Russ on the bench, and in an out-of-breath German accent wheezed:

  “Could I borrow a cigarette?”

   Russ silently passed one to the old man, as both stared dubiously at each other. Russ broke the silence as he lit the old man’s cigarette:

  “What are you doing out at this time of night?”

  The old man inhaled, and let out a plume of smoke followed by a satisfied hum:

  “I could ask the same of you.”
“I’m not in my 80’s am I? You could get hurt out here on your own at this time.”

   The old man laughed at Russ’ concern for him:

  “I’m not in my 80’s either, I’m in my 90’s actually, but thanks for your concern. And who are you to be out here so late, Superman? You don’t have your underpants on top of your trousers, could you not find a phonebox?”

   Russ was taken aback. The old man was fearlessly mocking a young stranger in a dodgy park at 2 AM, maybe he wasn’t all there. Russ lit his own cigarette:   

  “Nah… It’s wash day mate, so I’ve had to go commando. My capes in the wash too. Actually, I’ve just had the mother of bad days so I thought I’d come out where it’s quiet and smoke myself daft.”

   The old man chuckled politely:

  “You’re a young man, what can possibly be that bad? Any mistakes you make now, you might have 60 years to make up for.”

  “Well, I bet in your 90 years you’ve had nothing near as bad a day as I’ve had today.”

   The old man stamped out his cigarette, and gestured for another one, wryly smiling:

  “Try me.”

  Russ handed over another cigarette and his lighter:

  “I bet you’ve never done anything as stupid as what I did yesterday. I knew I had it coming, and sure enough, this morning as I walked into work my manager called me straight into the office. He sat me down and put a dvd into the player. We then sat and watched the scene from yesterday where I had hidden inside one of the large fridge-freezers that we were selling. I knew what was coming but he still felt the need to make me watch the CCTV footage. Inside the fridge-freezer, I had heard one of the other salesman walk right outside, so I leapt out shouting: “Waaaahhhh! You Bastard!”. Thus frightening the life out of the two old dears that he was stood with. So much so that one of them fell back into a flatscreen TV causing a domino effect that eventually broke four of them. So I was sacked for gross stupidity, and will now never get another job again, as try explaining that in a job interview.”

  The old man laughed and shook his head:  

  “You think that’s stupid? During the Second World War I was commander of a German submarine. I had worked my way through the ranks and was finally given my own vessel. On my maiden voyage, I received a message saying that the war was over and that Germany had won. The message instructed me to dock at the Isle of Wight and await further instructions. This I did without question, only to find that the message was a hoax and the Allied forces were waiting there for us. Me and my crew were captured and became prisoners of war and my submarine lay dormant for the rest of the conflict. I was commander for 26 hours only.”

   It was Russ’ turn to chuckle, as both men lit up cigarettes and admired each other’s stupidity. Russ raised the stakes further:

  “Ok, that’s quite bad. But, when I got home from being sacked I went to my room as normal. I dropped my bag on the floor and looked around to find, in the place where my bed has once been, was now just a rectangle of carpet that was still the same colour as when it was laid. I ran downstairs to my Mother and shouted: Where is my bed? Without even looking up from the TV she just calmly stated: That chap who just moved in down the road needed a bed, so we sold him yours. You’ll be moving out soon anyway won’t you? There was no point in arguing, she wanted me out. So I went upstairs and called my girlfriend and told her about my being sacked and my Mum selling my bed, and asked if I could move in with her. She called me a loser and dumped me there and then. So I lost my job, bed and girlfriend in one day. Beat that then.”

  The old man took the cigarette from his lips and shrugged, belittling Russ’ supposed bad day.

  “On alighting my submarine at the Isle of Wight, currently unaware of the trap I was walking into, I heard shouting in English. Then from nowhere hundreds of Allied soldiers appeared, I tried to grab my gun, but on taking my hands off the ladder, I fell. I broke both my legs, and had to be carried by my own men as we were taken into captivity. Not only did my men think I was an idiot, they now thought I was a clumsy buffoon to boot. ”

  Russ squashed his last empty fag packet beneath his foot:

  “Well I guess that explains why we are both sat in this dangerous park in the middle of the night. We are both idiots beyond compare.”

  “I wouldn’t change a thing though, it’s not always bad to be an idiot. Instead of going into the normal prisoner of war camp, I was kept in the hospital for my entire stay. There I fell in love with a nurse, and after the war we married, and my life has been perfect ever since. So maybe it’s good what happened to you. You don’t have to do a job you don’t like, or live with your parents any more, or date a woman who doesn’t care for you.”

   Russ smiled and shook the old man’s hand:

  “You just might be right there old feller, I think it’s lucky we met. But, one thing I still don’t understand is why, if your life is so perfect, are you in this park so late?”

  The old man stood and dusted off his jacket:

  “My life was perfect, until my wife died last week, and now I just don’t want to live without her. So I thought I’d do something stupid, as it brought her to me once before, I thought it might bring her to me again.”

   The old man walked further into the park, until Russ was alone in the darkness.

Words : Russell Palmer.

Art : Glenn Miller.