Welcome to our weekly column with Russ “chords of gold” Palmer. This week, he writes as he finds out that it’s best to brush with the lights on…

Dear Mrs Vagisil

This morning, I accidentally cleaned my teeth with Vagisil.

It was right there next to the toothpaste, I was sleepy, I wasn’t paying attention. I placed it on the brush, not noticing my error. I initially missed my teeth and brushed my lip, but that’s ok, it’s for lips isn’t it?

Then I voraciously cleaned my teeth, inwardly cursing my wife for buying such awful tasting toothpaste, when she walked into the bathroom to tell me to hurry up.

She stared at me with a look that I will never forget, a mixture of pity and disgust and screamed:

“Why are you cleaning your teeth with Vagisil?”

That’s when the panic set in, and I frantically brushed my teeth with toothpaste, and used mouthwash, but the taste remained, I even had a shot of tequila before setting off to work, partly to take the taste away (which it didn’t) and partly to make me forget (which it didn’t).

I am really worried about this, apart from the obvious embarrassment, I am very concerned about my health so please could you answer me these questions.
1.Am I going to die?

2.Will My teeth fall out?

3.Can I still eat yeast based products?

4.Will my breath forever smell like bits?

Please reply as soon as possible as I feel nauseas about 90% of the time now partly with worry, but mostly due the fact I swallowed some bloody Vagisil.

Yours sincerely
Russ Palmer

Vagisil’s reply:

Dear Mr Palmer,

Re:  VAG-059

As a pharmaceutical company we are not permitted to enter into discussions with patients about their treatment as this is the exclusive domain of the doctor and/or pharmacist.  However, we can tell you that we have not had any reports of damage to health from ingestion of such a small quantity of Vagisil.

I would therefore suggest that you seek the advice of your doctor for reassurance and if he/she wants any further information from us we would be happy to provide it.

In the meantime perhaps you could let us know how you are feeling now as we take any reports of side effects, whether potential or actual, very seriously, as this helps us to monitor the safety of our products.  We would also request that if you do consult your GP, you let us know, so that we can contact him or her for further information.

Best wishes,

Yours sincerely,

Combe International Limited

Addendum:
I did not report any side effects, I do now get aroused whenever someone touches my nose, but I have no complaints about that.

Editors’ Note: Merry Christmas!