When the news reached me I just shook my head in despair: Ant and Dec had grabbed the number 1 spot in the UK charts with ‘Let’s Get Ready to Rumble’. The track wasn’t good in 1994 when it only climbed to number 9 in the UK charts and it still isn’t good now some nineteen years later. All this aside, the duo sold an incredible 84,000 copies of the single in just a week, out selling other chart toppers The Saturdays, P!nk and Justin Timberlake.
So you’re probably wondering what makes a crap number one. Well, something that makes your skin crawl: think a Christian prayer that is desperate to be a pop ballad or maybe a European pop song with a crazy dance routine. And what about those tracks that don’t fall into the aforementioned categories? There are always the reality TV talent contest rejects and a little chubby guy from South Korea who rides an imaginary horse. I also can’t think of any adult in their right mind who would buy any of the following singles; I’m under the assumption the following tracks have only been bought by individuals aged 5-12 or parents of children in that age bracket.
[Editor’s note: No, we are not embedding any of these lamestains. You’re welcome]
1. Cliff Richard – The Millennium Prayer (1999)
Cast your mind back to 2000 and you may remember Cliff Richard standing in front of black and white images of impoverished Africans whilst singing ‘The Lord’s Prayer’. Let’s just blame this number one on the fact it was released around the biggest Christian festival (Christmas, just in case you weren’t sure) and assume that people’s ears were stuffed with too much tinsel in order to hear the tragedy that is this single.
2. Gangnam Style – PSY (2012)
Without doubt, ‘Gangnam Style’ was the most irritating track of 2012 but somehow the video has still clocked over a billion views on Youtube. The quirky dance routine meant everyone from Madonna to journalist Jay Rayner were riding the invisible horse with a South Korean superstar. Whether you like it or not, ‘Gangnam Style’ is one of the catchiest songs you’ll ever hear, however just because it’s catchy, doesn’t mean it’s good. After all, herpes is catchy too…
3. Teletubbies – Teletubbies say ‘Eh-Oh!’ (1997)
The stuff nightmares are made of – The Teletubbies. Brightly coloured creatures with tv’s on their tummy’s who don’t speak but make creepy sounds to communicate. Maybe we should all blame these children’s TV stars for the decline in the English language as the only thing they taught a generation was how to say ‘uh-oh’.
4. Mr Blobby – Mr Blobby (1993)
Like some bubblegum nightmare, Mr Blobby made it into the charts after being a character on Saturday night TV show, Noel Edmunds House Party. The pink and green googly eyed giant is well known for only saying “blobby” in various tones and repetitions in order to express himself, irritating enough without having to listen to a children’s choir sing Mr Blobby over and over again. Sadly I am from the generation that got this to number one – my mum even bought me the single – and for this I am eternally sorry.
5. Crazy Frog – Axel F (2005)
It started as one of those horrible novelty ringtones that you see advertised on the music channels but managed to manifest itself into this number one chart topping sensation. Originally the theme tune to Beverley Hills Cop (by Harold Faltermeyer), the track was mixed with the sound of a high pitched frog mimicking a clapped out old motorbike. It is also one of the ugliest animations in existence.
6. Aqua – Barbie Girl (1997)
Go to any little girl’s birthday party and you are guaranteed to hear this. If you’re a feminist you probably hate this track as it portrays a woman at the beck and call of her man, Ken, and Barbie as a sex object. If you’re just your average Joe then you probably hate it as its weird Europop with grating vocals and a creepy cartoon video.
7. Chico – It’s Chico Time (2006)
‘Well you can get delirious, if you take life too serious. It’s Chico time!’ That’s right boys and girls, the super cheesy X Factor reject Chico reached the number one spot in the UK charts too. This character was destined to make a rubbish pop track after he appeared in the competition; however Chico is merely a poor man’s Los del Rio, the duo who sang ‘Macarena’.
8. Gina G – Ooh Aah… Just a Little Bit (1996)
In true Eurovision style, this British entry from 1996 didn’t win, it came eighth, but surprisingly went on to top the UK charts and was even nominated for a Grammy Award. Despite the critical acclaim the track received, its shoddy lyrics and repetitive 90’s style dance beat makes it an absolute dud to anyone listening to it today.
9. Afroman – Because I Got High (2001)
Again, another Grammy nominee. What is wrong with the judges!? All about the stoner life, ‘Because I Got High’ went viral and gained commercial success. Frankly, I can’t stand to listen to the droning of a man pretending to be high and having the giggles. If I wanted to listen to things like that I’d just go to my nearest skate park.
10. Swagger Jagger – Cher Lloyd (2011)
Cheryl Cole wannabe and super brat Cher Lloyd burst onto our screens in 2011 when she was a successful contestant on ITV talent contest, The X-Factor. What makes her so frustrating is the faux bad attitude, poor rap verses mixed with the sweet and innocent, auto-tuned to perfection chorus. She created herself an image of this no messing, honest young star but she just comes across as obnoxious manufactured rubbish.
Words: Charlotte Faulkner