We gave our jack of all trades, Orestes Xistos, a couple of tenners and a list of films to review. This piece of shit is what we got. A free CD and a pint if you can point out all the references to other films.

The Last Stand

Arnold Schwarzenegger stars in this Republican’s wet dream, where a plucky team of honest to God Americans (and their manservant) try to stop the sadistic leader of Cartel Beaner. Arnold seems great for a 200 year old man who’s just left his hyperabic chamber and it’s always nice to see that dude from Repo Man acting, even if it’s a bit part about a farmer that gets 86ed by the Obama administration.

Or something.

Anyways, the Cartel Beaner Leader (played by a guy from Spain who didn’t open his eyes) is driving this sweet ride that can’t be destroyed (although it gets a little smudge in the paint after destroying a Ram truck). Johnny Jackass plays the same character he played in Walking Tall and you know what? This is Raw Deal mashed up with Walking Tall. There’s the obligatory shoot out, the obligatory Bodacious Babe, the obligatory quip and the obligatory freeze camera. A limp return from God Arnie, but I’m sure it’s just a teaser for something greater.

Like a re-release of Last Action Hero. That one fucking ruled.

Django Unchained

After three terrible films (Kill Bill 2, Vanishing Point with girls and Hey, the team that names this film is barely in this fuck up), Quentin Tarantino remembers how to make a fucking film. Django Unchained tells the story of Ray, a southern musician under a contract with EMI. Thankfully, a German hacker frees him with a cool DRM-breaking script and both bittorrent their way around the wild west (Blackpool).

They eventually meet up with Jack, who will be leaving a titan-sized ship soon. He is the owner of a plantation and usually bets with other Evil White Men while Black people duke it out. You know what? White people profiting from black on black violence…shit, son, this is a film making social commentary about the NFL!

Anyways, Samuel L. Jackson guest stars as Uncle Tom and after a dinner that lasts longer than an awkward Christmas dinner, everyone shoots each other, except Ray, because he was performing ‘The Mess Around’ and you don’t kill someone who plays that song, son.

This film was previously called The Coward of the County.

Bullet to the Head

In this sequel to Assassins,  Robert Rath (Sly Stallone) has moved to the Big Easy and he kills off an ex cop but not his prozzie, as she’s nekkid and Sly don’t shoot no nekkid chicks, yo! #Gentleman. The ex cop’s partners comes around and joins Sly (!) in a rag tag investigation that involves corrupt cops, one liners (a lot of them) and a bomb-happy Sly . Hang on a second! This is not a sequel to Assassins, it’s a sequel to The Specialist. Only, Sly doesn’t get nekkid.

Although the plot points to Jack Nicholson Jr. (played by Christian Slater) as the main baddie, it’s this dude who kinda looks like Tom Hardy but less sexy and more American Wrestler. They duke it out with axes. I’m not making that up.

Oh, and Sly has a superhot tattooed girl who teases us. A lot. Which means this film is actually a sequel to the Suicide Girls Movie. Oh, yeah.

Gangster Squad

What happened at the end of Driver? Our unnamed hero drives his car at 88 mph and travels back to a quieter time, the late 40s. Sadly, Los Angeles still is overrun by mobs and Maroon Cartoon‘s enforcers. So our steadfast Driver drops the scorpion-embroidered jacket and dons a swanky suit with fedora and goes Untouchables on the forces of evil. Then, one night, his partner is killed with some innocent civilians (or were they?) at the Crocodile Café, so Driver joins forces with another policeman (who suffers anterograde memory loss) and they both crack the case.

Also, Sean Penn does his best Joe Pesci impersonation and Giovanni Ribisi keeps portraying himself: fidgety, morose and disposable. Emma Stone flutters her eyelids and no single warm blooded man in the audience can prevent from turning into a bumbling fool at her looks. Oh, and there’s a few liberties with history, I mean A beautiful Mind / Inglorious Basterds / The Patriot calibre historical liberties, so if you want to learn about how Mickey Cohen was defeated, go watch The History Channel (spoiler alerts: ALIENS).

Zero Dark Thirty

What’s this? A shooter for ants? Do I really need to review this?

Well, I got paid 3 guineas, so I guess I do. Ok. This rather dashing woman whom we never get to know nothing about is obsessed with catching UBL. After watching 24, they apply different types of torture to their captives, ranging from waterboarding to tehuacanazos to listening to Coldplay. Man, they are tough bastards!

Anyways, we follow this woman (who might or might not exist) through what feels like 4 hours but it’s only 2 hours and I had to wee but I didn’t because even if absolutely fuck all happens during the film I was gripped. And the we have a fucking tense 25 minutes action sequence that proves that Kathryn Bigelow has developed in her filmmaking ways much better than James Cameron. Yeah. I went there. As much as I love Point Break, this is the crown jewel on her career.

Fuck, I’m being serious and shit. Okay, they, uh, go all Call of Duty on UBL? Fuck this review. Go watch it.It involves Torchwood.

And that’s that.  If you insult me, you’re committing a hate crime and PETA will be after you. And you don’t want them vicious animal lovers after you, knamsayin’?

Words: Orestes “Maddafacow” Xistos.