Jonny’ll fix it … or he’ll fix you is Sloucher’s own “Agony Aunt” section. These are true cases, but the identities of those involved were changed to protect them. Feel free to send your troubles our way.

This week, we talk about that pox that befell on us. Yes, a terrible curse! Read on!

Dear Jonny Sock,

There are five of us in the house I live at and we share all of our kitchen utensils and tools.

It’s just that all of our teaspoons seem to go missing and I have no idea what is happening to them. I’ve asked around but no one seems to know where they are. I’ve even brought some new teaspoons from ‘Wilkinson’s’ (£1.60 for ten) but they, too, have disappeared.

I am at the end of my tether and I can’t afford to keep buying new teaspoons. I’ve even resorted to using pencils to stir my cup of tea and using small rulers and protractors to eat my petits filous. I am now also running out of stationary. Help!

Yours sincerely,
Spoonless

Dear Spoonless in Sheffield.

This is a common problem that has plagued mankind since the dawn of cutlery. Teaspoons are the Lord Lucan\Jimmy Hoffa of eating implements, forever disappearing without a trace. There has been no scientific or socio-cultural breakthroughs in this area, and the reason for this is that the answer lies in the magical realm.

You will surely be aware of the magical legends wherein every time somebody stops believing in fairies, one drops dead.  And every time you pick your nose and elf’s head caves in. Well, teaspoons disappear every time somebody breaks a garden gnome.

Now you may think this is ridiculous, but, it all makes perfect sense. We all know garden gnomes come to life when we aren’t looking (see the recent documentary Gnomeo and Juliet for supplementary evidence). What happens when a gnome breaks is that the rest of the gnome community break into your kitchen and steal 1-4 teaspoons in order to dig a grave for their fallen comrade. Obviously to avoid detection the gnomes bury the spoons with the deceased.

So, if you want to keep you spoons, get rid of all the gnomes in your postcode (even if you don’t have gnomes, they will break into your kitchen if it is less risky, they’re very smart). Or make tiny spades for all local gnomes.

This problem is only going to get worse, as the Gnome\Toy war escalates following the gnomecide in the much disputed Garden Strip. For more information on this read Gnome Chomsky’s new book The Gnome State solution.

You’re welcome
Jonny Sock