Jonny’ll fix it … or he’ll fix you is Sloucher’s own “Agony Aunt” section. These are true cases, but the identities of those involved were changed to protect them. Feel free to send your troubles our way.
Dear woollen sage,
As a staunch libertarian, I respect the views of no man or, by extension, woman but myself! This leaves me unable – and unwilling! – to heed the advice of anyone but ghosts – which are real! – God – who is real! – Bubjut the Ethereal Snow Leopard – whose existence I shall reserve judgement on for the time being – and primates dispensing advice on the internet.
So, now that you know I am not a crank, I shall seek your counsel.
I suffer from a very rare condition known as Shipman’s Whimsy. It has yet to be recognized by the so-called ‘medical establishment’, which as we all know is a refuge for mountebanks, miscreants and quislings of every hue.
Shipman’s Whimsy was first discovered by Dr. Harold Shipman – the other one – during one of his expeditions to the as-yet-undiscovered island of Slattery in 2007. Coming to the village of Mochrie, Dr. Shipman proceeded with his patented personality test, and let a hungry lion loose in the village. He noticed that while one of their own was being devoured by the lion, the villagers laughed uproariously, as did the victim before his windpipe was slashed.
He quickly deduced that the villagers were in the grip of ‘psychotic levity’ and developed The Shipman System, a rigorous and expensive treatment consisting of weekly tax returns, daily viewing of the serious bits from Comic Relief and a soundtrack of Leonard Cohen and The Bodyguard soundtrack. Alas, the System was discontinued when it was found to cause Briney Buboes, Tremble Cleft and Murderous Rage Towards Lenny Henry. And Dr. Shipman was – allegedly! – using the profits to fund a range of hideous cloning experiments on his army of lions.
Sadly, with the onset of the stuffed crust pizza and Sky News, Shipman’s Whimsy has hit our shores. I am one of a growing number of people who are incapable of taking life seriously. I chuckle heartily at plushy cows going on shooting rampages and turkeypox outbreaks; I guffawed to the point of nausea at that bit in ‘Precious’ when the fat girl is forced to eat a burning tyre by a gang of drugged-up street thugs. I am in a perpetual state of gormless ecstasy and I need your help, small knitted seer!
(Editorial note: this letter had no name nor returning address).
Dear anonymous laughing gnome,
Ah, Shipman’s whimsy, I’ve seen this many times before my friend.
Basically, the crushing banality, hypocrisy and suicidal tendency of the human race has become apparent to your brain, and you have realised that life is ridiculous and we will eventually blow up the planet so you no longer need to take it seriously.
An accurate analogy of this would be to equate your life to watching the cartoon series Dungeons and Dragons as:
It’s a long, boring, arduous experience that doesn’t seem to make any sense, and, as it was cancelled before they made the final episode, it will end and you will never find out what the hell it was all about.
There is currently only one treatment for Shipman’s Whimsy, but it’s extremely risky and almost always life-threatening. Also, this will not actually cure you, but it will ensure that you will never laugh at things that will make you seem callous again.
Step 1: Get somebody to tie you to a chair that is nailed to the ground. Make sure you’re tied in tight and your head is secured so you don’t gnaw your own heart out.
Step 2: Get said person to put a TV and DVD player in front of you.
Step 3: Get said person to play the entire series of Frankie Boyle’s Tramadol Nights and The Morgana Show on repeat.
Step 4: Watch them back to back and uninterrupted.
Follow these steps and you will never laugh at anything ever again, as something that is meant to be funny, but is so profoundly unfunny, completely negates the effects of Shipman’s Whimsy.
You could always embrace your Shipman’s Whimsy, sit back, and laugh at the frantic machinations of the doomed populace as they try and escape from the lions they set free.
PS: Please email me and tell me how I can get this Shipman’s Whimsy. I guess I follow the same steps as above but watch Fox News and Sky News instead.