Jonny’ll fix it … or he’ll fix you is Sloucher’s own “Agony Aunt” section. These are true cases, but the identities of those involved were changed to protect them. Feel free to send your troubles our way.
This week’s letter seems to be in honour of International Women’s Day…
Dear Jonny Sock
I recently broke up with my monkey fiancée. She was always going on and on about how us male monkeys don’t do squat (I do from the branch when I need a poo )
She kept complaining and nagging and she usually exclaimed “MEN!” whenever she was crossed. It was so ingrained in her that it became her favourite curse. Someone cut her off in the road? “MEN!” she would yell. Someone pushed her on the Sheffield tram? “MEN!” she would shoot back. The milk expired before the date? “MEN!”. Wagon Wheels are smaller now? “MEN!” she would yell to the skies while the people at Spar would get the monkey tranquilliser darts.
If women hate men so much, why don’t they all become lesbians instead of taking it all out spitefully on use mere male monkeys? I was never a dick to her nor to any woman and I get dumped like one.
Battered Brummie Brian
Look around and make sure nobody is reading this over your shoulder. Now shut your word-hole, and read this carefully. You’ve clumsily stumbled upon some very thin ice here, slowly back away and forget you ever brought this up. Here’s the skinny:
WOMEN DON’T NEED US!
Just think about it, there is nothing that women need men for anymore. We are really, really annoying to have around, like a flatulent dog that stinks up the place and embarrasses you when people pop round.
The hunter/gatherer position has been filled by the good old mega-store that will happily spear a deer and deliver it to your door with just a few clicks of a mouse.
Tasks historically deemed as manly such as home improvements are now negated by everything coming ready made by machines. Any manly advice required is now available free on the internet so they no longer need to have a bloke explain things to them with patronising condescension.
Ladders have been invented so they don’t even need us for getting stuff off high shelves.
And then there is sex. Men have been on the Earth roughly 100000 years, and still most human sexual activity is literally a stab in the dark, with men generally being bested by an implement far less complicated than a pocket calculator. Woman are far better in that general area, as they have had a lot more experience with lady areas. It really is unfair, we all know that. It’s like going in for an exam where only women have been allowed the textbooks, and men are only allowed quick glimpses of it in the dark, and on grainy educational videos when their parents are out.
Basically we are lucky that women haven’t figured out that they would get along a lot better if they got rid of us, except for a few ridiculously good-looking guys that they keep in a pen for breeding.
So keep schtum with the theories you douche!
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