Cancer is the answer

We all know that cancer is the answer. What you may not know is that cancer used to be a horrid disease. That was until Dr Fukkanuts, a German biochemist with a broken mind and an unfortunate name, found otherwise.

After spending years trying to cure cancer and failing, he had somewhat of a mental breakdown and turned his mind instead to creating the worlds deadliest carcinogen.

He succeeded spectacularly and gave his dog, Jubilee, a large dose of his Carcinogen, that he had named Joy, after the woman who had left him and caused said breakdown. Dr Fukkanuts sat and watched Jubilee laughing manically and waiting for him to explode, an hour later he stopped. Nothing happened, but he waited. Jubilee was Joy’s dog.

Everyday Dr Fukkanuts would wake and check on Jubilee and then put out food for the little still-alive bastard. Then he would stare at the letter that he wouldn’t be sending again today:

Dear Joy
I created the biggest killer in the world, and I named it after you. Then I killed your dog with it.
Love
Dr Fukkanuts

Joy gave Jubilee cancer in every one of his little doggy cells, each one dividing rapidly and replacing its predecessor keeping him in a state of biological stasis. Perpetually young and furry.

A very old, fat and grey Dr Fukkanuts sat staring at his 50 year old dog. Jubilee had been chasing his tail for an hour, as if to rub it in. He’s not gonna die, ever, unless he licks a hole in his crotch.

The day Dr Fukkanuts died in his armchair, Jubilee was at his feet barking, and a new letter was in his lap:

Dear Joy
Please find enclosed a bottle of Joy take one tablet and you will live forever. If you don’t believe me, ask Jubilee.
It turns out cancer is the answer.
Love
Dr Fukkanuts