Welcome to our new weekly column with Russ “chords of gold” Palmer. This week, he writes with grave concern to Mates Condoms…

Dear Mr Mate,

I was recently having sex with a lady using one of your fine condoms. I was doing rather well and having a jolly good time but something was on the back of my mind that was just undermining the experience a little.

When getting suited up for battle, my little rubber friend was rather slippy and I felt a little conscious that my mate would slip off and I would pregnatize the lady in question. This thought weighted heavy on my mind and I had to stop a couple of times to check I was still airtight. On one such occasion I thought I felt slippage so I checked instantly and I was so relieved to see him hanging tight that I said to the lady:

“Don’t worry we’re free from cross-contamination.” I think that I may have ruined the moment a little with my outburst but we kept on; but I still couldn’t concentrate fully on the matter in hand. So I had to take steps otherwise I would ruin the occasion for both of us.

So I stopped and begged the ladies pardon and ran downstairs into my kitchen and grabbed a large rubber band and double banded it so my mate was going nowhere. I ran back upstairs and things came to a rather interesting conclusion. The rubber band had certainly done its job bit it did leave a certain amount of chafing in an area where chafing is not a welcome visitor.

Could you please tell me how I can avoid this fear of slippage without the use of rubber bands? Do you  retail a condom that comes with a non-slip coating or maybe a condom that comes with straps that can be ties around the waist for the over-cautious customer. I look forward to your response, as this matter causes me great concern.

Yours Sincerely

Russell Palmer.

Mates Condoms’ response

Subject: Re Question

Thank you for your enquiry.

If you would like to supply your full postal address details we will send you an information sheet detailing our core range, their specifications and where you can obtain them and to thank you for your interest we will send you a sample of our product, with our compliments.

With Kind Regards

Mates Marketing.

Addendum

At the time of writing this letter I was still living with my parents and did not have the nerve to send my address to Mates and have a massive box full of a variety of condoms delivered to my parents house because:

1) it would have been mortifyingly embarrassing  for everyone involved.

2) If the box came with Mates written in big letters along the side, I would hate for the postman to think that my parents are having sex, and even worse they are having so much of it that they necessitate a giant box of condoms to be delivered to their door.