Welcome to our new weekly column with Russ “chords of gold” Palmer. This week, he writes with grave concern to Blackpool‘s council…

Dear Sir or Madam,

I recently visited your wonderful town on holiday. I had an amazing time taking in the sights and sounds of your vibrant city and eating all your fish-based snacks from a polystyrene cup with a tiny wooden trident. My holiday however did end on a sad note leaving me with mixed emotions about the entire trip. On my last day me chaperone bought me a reasonably priced bucket and spade in a quite delightful sea green colour and left me on the beach whilst she went on the promenade to enjoy more fish-based snacks.

I sat on the beach and thought to myself how can I thank my chaperone for bringing me to this wonderful place and buying me such a wonderful bucket and spade. So I decided to build a huge sandcastle for her. I set to my task and two hours later I had built a beautiful sandcastle with turrets, a moat, and even a small flag in the top that I had found partially buried in the sand.

I ran to get my chaperone to show her the present I had made. It took quite a while to find her but eventually after searching most of the arcades I found her playing a 2 pence drop machine in one of the arcades. I dragged her out and told her that I had a surprise for her.

We ran back to the beach where I had built my sandcastle, but I was distraught to see that someone had stolen my sandcastle and my bucket and spade. My chaperone was very upset with me for losing my bucket and spade; and the journey home was quite uncomfortable.

I told my chaperone that if there was some kind of sandcastle monitor on the beach then none of this would have happened and she told me to write to the Blackpool Council. So I have, and this is my question:

Will you be employing a sandcastle monitor in the near future to stop people stealing other people’s sandcastles?

I look forward to your reply

Yours Sincerely

Russell Palmer

BLACKPOOL TOURISM REPLY

Dear Mr Palmer

Thank you for your email from which I was interested to read of your experiences whilst holidaying in Blackpool.

Building sandcastles on the beach is, in fact, quite a pleasant pastime and has provided hours of enjoyment for families over the years and I am pleased that you had fun building your own sandcastle, complete with turrets and a moat. I can imagine the disappointment that you must have felt on finding your sandcastle, bucket and spade missing after you had left it unattended to find your friend.

I have noted your suggestion that the Council should employ a sandcastle monitor to stop people from stealing other people’s sandcastles. This might be all right in theory but in practice it would not work, simply because the person employed to carry out such a task would be idle for a good part of every day. I should explain that Blackpool’s beaches have an ebb tide which means that the sea comes in and out twice a day. Anything left on the beach would simply be washed away out to sea, including the sandcastle monitor if he were to carry out his duties effectively!

I am sorry that your visit was spoiled on this occasion and may I suggest that if you build a sandcastle on our beach in the future, you make sure your friend if nearby to witness your achievements.

Many thanks for writing to us.

Your Sincerely

Jane Seddon

Director of Tourism

P.S In order to make up in some way for your disappointment please find enclosed a “Day at the Beach”.