File under: Random acts of violence against intoxicated Pumpkins fans. Or at least that was going through my mind in 2008 at the Coca Cola Zero Fest in Mexico. My only previous experience with Smashing Pumpkins live was in 98 and that gig wasn’t good at all. Ten years down the line and Smashing Pumpkins were rocking all the belters I wanted to listen to and this absolute idiot, deep down a Tecate and Dos equis hole, was just singing the word “love loooooove looooveee” in every single song, because he frankly didn’t know a thing. Or was too intoxicated. My wisdom (or sense of conflict avoidance) persevered and I simply moved to another place.

When I bought Siamese Dream, it was on the strength of Rocket and Cherub Rock’s videos. I wasn’t a fan of Disarm, as it reminded me of a terrible time in my childhood. Still, grew to love the song.

I can’t never choose one band to be a superfan of. If pressed for only one, I think I’d go over R.E.M., and that’d be a Sophie’s choice kinda situation, as for the longest of times, The Smashing Pumpkins “were there for me”*. Break-ups, depression, failing classes. Any time, any where I needed a pick me up, there would be a song by The Smashing Pumpkins to fall back on. So when they broke up in 2000 after Machina, I felt lost.

But I’ve talked about it before.

Siamese Dream is beautiful, and it does deserve all the praise it gets. Bought Mellon Collie a few months later, just as it released. Then got Pisces Iscariot and Gish. 95 and 96 were years of all Pumpkins, all the time, with the occasional detour into Oasis or R.E.M.

Mayonaise I got obsessed with as I started writing about a woman I knew and re-encounter by email. It was a strange time but we got along well for a while. She’s found herself after years of struggle and as far as I know, she’s doing well. So Mayonaise I know have to be in a special mood to listen to.

Same goes for Disarm, a song that somehow made me think of all the bullying I had to endure in elementary and secondary school. Guess that’s why I avoided it for the longest of times. Eventually warmed up to it, and the cover by The Civil Wars is beautiful. It made me reappreciate Disarm in another way and I remember listening to both versions a lot while I was writing a novel (and losing my mind) in the wee hours of the night in 2009, when I stupidly assume I could finish Nanowrimo. I did, in 25 days. And it broke me.

Hummer, however, I can listen at any time. I love the contrast from the expansive, rockier first half with the moodier, introspective second half. I feel it defines me as a person and my mood swings. I can be super happy one time and at the drop of the hat, go down into a deep, paralysing depression.

Life’s a draaa-aaa-aag.

*I know that’s a cringey thing to say, but it happens.

-Sam J. Valdés López