Maudlin week part 2: A mixtape, social pressure, and a panic attack.

Crushes can be stupid. Crushes are unpredictable rigamaroles. Crushes have no reason, and of course, no rhyme. Crushes just happen, and can be fleeting or they can be lifelong situations.

I had a particularly strange one in the spring of 1999. We met randomly at the computer lab at university. Let’s call her Viv. She was a friend of a friend called Erick and she introduced herself into our conversation, asking for this and that, which Erick replied to fast.

Erick eventually left us to our own devices and the conversation continued for a while. She lived in a long ass street with a 15° degree slope. The few times I went to her gaff I felt it in my shins.

We tried to hang as much as we could, but our different social circles and schedules didn’t intertwine. Still, we had a good time talking and we could continue the conversation over the phone. Can’t remember any specific topics. Just run of the mill conversations.

It was all good until the social pressure came. Now, I’m not going to call out neither her friends or mine, but with time, you understand that everyone and their aunts can wish (and pressure) two people to be together, but if the two don’t want, or if it’s something that won’t work, I don’t believe it’s a topic of pertinence to anyone except the two people involved.

It’s a situation I’ve been into a few time after, and every time it results in a bit of a disaster. Relationships should be the responsibility of the two people involved, everyone else can mind their dang business. We yielded to please the expectations of others and we regretted it.

So Viv and I kinda sorta tried, but then it got weird, and she started to become distant. One monday, I had a mixtape for her and I wanted to talk with her, maybe try to work things out. I saw Viv on a bench, with a dude a few years older than her. They were kissing. She saw me and turned red. I just sped away. I went to class, feeling dizzy and livid. My good friend Myrna noticed and she said “infirmary, now!” and asked the teacher to excuse us. I was overwhelmed and started to cry and she calmed me. I don’t know how she knew who Viv was, but when Myrna saw her with her dude, she grabbed my arm and we both hightailed it to the infirmary.

Heart was ok, it was just a panic attack. The first one I had that was identified as such, I believe I had a few before and my survival instinct had been walking. Perhaps that’s why I walk so much.

Anyways, the song for that mixtape, which I ended up just keeping for myself, was Semisonic’s singing in your sleep. Closing time is great but overplayed, and don’t get me started on Secret smile. It’s the peppy rhythm of singing what makes it a keeper. Yeah, still a maudlin song but I like it, damn it. Semisonic is a cool band. They started rocking with Great divide, and found a pop rock niche with their sophomore album, the mammoth Feeling strangely fine.

-Sam J. Valdés López