We gave our jack of all trades, Orestes Xistos a couple of tenners and a list of films to review. This piece of shit is what we got. A free CD and a pint if you can point out all the references to other films.

Greetings, malandros, this is Orestes P. Xistos, your cinema expert (and holy pope of my own cult, the Cult of Cowdonia). This is my film column. Start, film column.

This week’s cinema experience is brought you by the theme of law (teh laaaawwllllllwllll!).

The Sweeney: Ray Winstone and his tight fitting underoos stop crime in this entertaining tribute to the best crime film ever, Heat. Co-starring in very minor roles are Plan B (he gets punched, twice, thanks), that chick from Captain America and the dude from Homeland. Oh, plot? Okay, Ray Winstone plays Gene Hunt, now a bit over the hill and with a cockney accent. Their unorthodox methods would get them an audit from some stiff necked asshole and lo and behold, that happens. Then some Eastern European war criminals (the new “Evil Russkies”, eh? See Layer Cake, The Peacemaker and Behind enemy lines…) do some crimes and many good looking women get killed, which enrages Winstone’s libido. He ends up shooting up a lot of baddies, with his hapless, useless assistant, who really is the Richard Hammond to Winstone’s Clarkson.

In a nutshell: good action, very blue, excellent muuuuusic (that’s me imitating the divebomb effect on the score).

Dredd: Karl Urban’s jaw and Juno’s cuter friend go into Ciudad Neza, México, to stop some crazy murderous woman called Madeline Madrigal (uh! let’s call her MaMa instead). They go in, are locked in (pub style!) and have to defend themselves from crazed tenants, big ass Vulcan guns and the ghost of Sylvester Stallone‘s codpiece. Loads of explosions, cool shootouts, a lot of visual flair (3D is worth it here), a couple of really funny moments (“did you just said wait?”) and more excellent music. No Armand Assantes were harmed in this film, which is like a futuristic version of Training Day, but with less rap, less Denzel and less overacting. Bring nachos.

In a nutshell: No jokes, this is real good.

Lawless: Guy Pearce beats the shit out of Shia Lebouf for ruining Transformers and Indiana Jones. Bane comes out of retirement (he was banging Poison Ivy, yo!), picks up a terrible accent (ca plus change) and then…I dunno what happened. I know people were drinking from mason jars and Gary Oldman seemed to be prepping up for a bigger role (it’s a cameo at best), but we end up with Shia LeBitch using clothes 3 sizes too big, Tom Hardy chewing  the scene (in a good Daniel Day Lewis way) and Guy Pearce being a memorable villain (with an unhealthy obsession with Old Spice and Dapper Dan) who gets a free pass for beating the shit out of LaPuffy and that whiney emo shit from Chronicle. Seriously, that film pissed me off. Lawless pissed me off too, but in a good alcoholic way. So what I’m saying is: Chronicle is a rotten alcopop that only intoxicates you because you will die of kidney failure after drinking it whereas Lawless is primo quality 36 year old Scotch whiskey.

In a nutshell: Pretty much as good as Public Enemies (although this is way better paced). Cinematography was perfect. Hardy‘s accent is what the Deep South accent sounds to someone who’s never been there.

The Watch (aka Neighborhood Watch): Zoolander, Vince Vaughn (playing himself), Moss and Seth Rogen’s Mini-me star in this advert for Costco, where you can buy everything to defend your hood from mutants that are allergic to Head and Shoulders Shampoo! So our jolly gang of four roams the streets, singing ‘Use somebody’, when they find another foursome, who works for evil. This fearsome foursome is made up of Agent Mulder, a freckle ridden ginger, Stifler and Token from South Park. After having a hot dog swordfight (with Costco sausages, of course), both teams decide to put aside their differences when a horde of AdBusters starts destroying the local movie tie ins, closing all Nike shops, painting black dots on Converse shoes and painting bras on Starbucks‘ nekkid siren. Imagine that. They catch all those communist propaganda delinquents and force them to drink Costco Cola and Mentos until their self-righteous insides explode like that time when Michael Moore killed Spotswoode (and C.O.N.T.R.O.L.). All in splashing 3D!

In a nutshell: Costco…you sponsored this?

Next week: We ponder what is worst: Atonement, Chris Brown inviting you to a sparring match, a kick to the ear while kissing Asia Argento or an infected bunion ruining your Costco socks.

Words: Orestes “Maddafacow” Xistos.