We gave our jack of all trades, Orestes Xistos a couple of tenners and a list of films to review. This piece of shit is what we got. A free CD and a pint if you can point out all the references to other films.
Cars 2: Electric Boogaloo
Cast: Hansel (he is so hot right now), a hillbilly, Alfie and a shitload of merch.
Once again, the evil people at Pixar want you and your offspring (children, not the punk band, silly) to bawl your eyes out, both in terms of crying and in boring you to no avail. Owen Wilson’s nose turns him into a car called Lightning McQueen and he wins a race. That’s part 1. Part 2 start with him being a trainer for a group of foxes that are so quirky it hurts. George Clooney cameos.
Things take a twist for the worse when Lightning McQueen is blinded by the evil Car Agent (an unrecognisable Hugo Weaving). The Hillbilly truck and McQueen go to the source and encounter a giant robot face called Ben. Ben says that McQueen is so hot right now and makes them go into an ethereal void where they fight to the dead with Mugatu. After all cars rust because they used alternative fuels, Pixar ends the movie in another soul-crushing scene, where all our protagonists lay in a barren wasteland, crushed one by one by the evil unforgiving hands of WallE. Never trusted him at all. Wallleeeeeee destroy humanity!
In a nutshell: A naïve 90s feel good film in a cynical age (no, not the 90s).
Cast: A bunch of kids Cosplaying as people from the 80s.
“Uncle Stevie, can I make a movie like yourssss?”
“Sure you can, Jay Jay”
“Can I use your camera angles and tricks?”
“Sure, just don’t tire yourself, remember last time with the stupid monster and the annoying New Yorkers? Don’t make them annoying again”
“Can I use the ‘aliens are friendly / no wait, they aren’t / or maybe they are’ switcheroo?”
“Yes, Jay Jay, you can…”
“Can I go play Modern Warfare 3?”
“Sure, Jay Jay, I’ll finish and pack it up!”
In a nutshell: Best Spielberg film of 2011.
Captain America: the 91 year old Virgin.
Cast: Johnny Storm, Agent Smith (what, again???) and Bucky not wearing tights.
Bucky doesn’t wear tights. This does not compute.
Anyways, one fine day Reed Richards invents this machine to teleport the Fantastic Four out of shitty movies. It only works for Ben (The Shield!) and for Johnny Storm, who gets superslimmed and now is a scrawny ass dude in the Liverpool/Manchester looking part of New York.
After agreeing on drinking a superserum (made with Caol Ila, a dash of Morgan’s Spiced and Paprika flavoured Coke), Johnny Storm gets all muscled up. He calls himself Captain America and fights the forces of evil: Nazis, McDonalds, those idiots in Mexico that changed the size of Mamuts and George Lucas.
Eventually, he and his bro Bucky (played by Seth Rogen) find out that it was all part of V (for Vendetta)’s show. A show set up to win the heart of Natalie Portman (played by Jodie Foster). Bucky dies due to “disposable sidekick malaria” so Captain America goes to V (dressed as Red Skull) and belittles him for not making more movies as Elrond.
In the end, Captain America sacrifices his life when he boards a spaceship with The Scarecrow and they head towards the sun to reactive it with a couple of Danny Boyle’s films.
In a nutshell: Needs more Steve Carell.
A low-rate, Netto quality “The Hangover”. With Jason Bateman playing Bradley Cooper, Charlie Dale playing Zach Galoofeniakinkisanunakis and Ed Helms playing Jason Sudeikis (or the other way around). With Kevin Spacey as the racist Chinese Stereotype, a CGI aberration playing Jennifer Aniston and Colin Farrell playing Tom Cruise’s character from Tropic Thunder. Fuck this shit.
Next week: We ponder what is worst: that Marks & Spencer Christmas ad that’s turning me into an Atheist, Coldplay singing with Rihanna, a splinter in your bunions or a hole in your Chuck Taylors.
Words: Orestes “Maddafacow” Xistos.