Agony Aunt Sock – 9

Jonny’ll fix it … or he’ll fix you is Sloucher’s own “Agony Aunt” section. These are true cases, but the identities of those involved were changed to protect them. Feel free to send your troubles our way.

This week, we talk about the strange endemic species in the River Don, Sheffield…

Hi lil’ cute monkey!

I’m doing a biology degree in a notoriously famous University here in Sheffield and as part of my degree, I have to do some river studies, observing the animal and vegetal taxa and trying to make up some bollocks. You know how it is: you’re promised a degree in science (SCIENCE!) and you have these dreams and expectations about doing something life changing, but you end up pencil pushing late night writing, burning the midnight oil and trying to see if the correlated data fits that horrible R2 equation.

Anyways, in one of my many, many gallivanting strolls in the river, I sort of stepped in this puddle of bright, orange mud near the industrial district. I was angry as it was me fave pair of denim trousers (I wore them once when Richard Hawley and me fought for the same piece of cheese in the market) and, well, I really haven’t wash them. They were me lucky trousers, innit!?

So I left them drying in my room and a week later, they fell from their coat hanger. As I picked them up, I noticed that this little black creature, shaped like a daddy long legs but with only 5 legs and a stick-like head, crawled out of this lucky pair of pants.

I saw this creature with utter amazement. I crawled in all fours, looking at it. It looked back at me! I blinked my eyes rapidly and to my surprise, the creature opened it’s stick shaped head, like an umbrella, where a massive amount of tiny eyes blinked too. I winked one eye, and the creature did so too! It was the discovery of a lifetime! Finally, I could do something worthwhile with my degree.

Then my flatmate squished it.

“Fucking bugs! Our landlord is just taking the piss!”

So, the question is… where do I dump my housemate’s earthly remains? I don’t want to continue the outrageous pollution of the River Don (or any of its tributaries) and I’m well aware that dropping a body in a park is technically fly-tipping, a crime I absolutely abhor.

I wait for your answer, oh wise simian!

Yours sincerely,
Confused Biology Student looking for a 2:1.

Dear Dr Plantenstien

First of all, sorry to burst your little science bubble, but, you haven’t made the scientific discovery of a lifetime with your so called “new species.”

What you found on that day was a creature well known to all Sheffielders. That little spidery chuff is a by-product of Sheffield’s once world-renowned Stainless Steel industry. As you will know, Stainless Steel used to be made (before all you’re fancy southern computers) by rubbing 2 spiders together, charging them with static electricity and making them walk along the cutlery embedding it with a negative magnetic field and spider DNA.

Well, once the foundries shut, these long-legged fellas were freed into the wild. They are known locally as Ey-ups, short for Electricity Upstarts (Andys CappusCommunus), the name given to them by angry foundry workers who felt that the Ey-ups looked down on their worthless stain covered steel). To this day, Ey-ups crave the heat of the foundry and the smell of a manual worker’s sweat. So they mainly dwell inside the clothing of Sheffield’s menly men.

I’m sure that you will have seen when two Sheffield men bump into each other. One will see a little Ey-up on the other man, nod towards it and say; “Ey-up.” The other man will reply; “alright.” Giving the man permission to pat him on the shoulder and kill the Ey-up. Outsiders will see an Ey-up and just scream “spider!” and freak out (Jessies). So don’t be too harsh on your housemate, he hasn’t cost you your Nobel Prize.

However, maybe you could research the mythical bird of Barnsley that swoops down and carries off full grown men in his talons called the Ow-Do, which is short for OWL DOOM (Saxonus MetalRiffus).

You’re welcome
Jonny Sock

Ps: If anyone ever says: “Ow-do” to you… RUN LIKE THE FUCKING WIND!

Pps: The best place to dump a dead body in Sheffield is at the Tiger Tonight 24 hour Buffet Diner in Totley. What you need to do is: Walk in with the dead body Weekend at Bernie’s style, sit it at a table, place a mountain of food in front of it and leave. It is notoriously impossible to get a waiter to even look at you at this restaurant, and hundreds of people have eaten themselves to death there, so no questions will be asked.

'Sup, humans?
"Right, that's enough monkey porn for the day, let's help some sorry sods!"

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