“I feel like the ghost of a total stranger” –

Back in september of 2002, I was adjusting to life in Nottingham. It was a weird feeling, as I always wanted to live on my own and the idea of living in England fascinated me since I was a child.

Those first days were strange. Getting crammed into a bus at Heathrow, driving up North on the M1, then arriving at the campus, with brisk weather around us. First we had to stay on campus, as the accommodation wasn’t assigned yet. We stayed on the old dorm rooms, surrounded by massive trees with red, yellow and green leaves. It was more than what I expected, even if the installations did show their age. Hey, I guess I enjoy cold showers more than everyone else.

Being an international student is like a clean slate. Nobody knows you, you meet people from everywhere in the world, and you’re richer for it. Once we got assigned our rooms, outside of campus, things felt weird.

I got a room on the first floor of Albion House, on Beeston. It was a stone throw’s from the bustling shopping area and close to two good bus ranks. Kebabs were decent, and Poppa Pizza always filled out your Belly. I remember buying a postcard for Alivón, a person I still hold dear to this day, as her birthday was near and the fairy motif was something she fancied.

It was on one of those strolls that a copy of Hot Dog magazine caught my eye. The newsagent/offlicence was the “to go” place for the late party crowd, where they would buy WKD, Smirnoff ice, or whatever alcopop they fancied. Me? Just a beer or a J20. Maybe a Tango. Nothing fancy, I had to stay on budget. That said, Hot Dog magazine had Shannyn Sossamon on the cover. She was the “it girl” on those heady days after the turn of the millenium, and I wondered what new film was she in.

The film was Rules of Attraction, an adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis’ raucous book. Mary Harmon’s adaptation of American Psycho had rattled some cages, and now it was the turn of Killing Zoe’s Roger Avary to adapt Easton Ellis. I kinda liked American Psycho, especially Bale’s cold, almost reptilian demeanor, but it really lacks a lot of the book, and I can’t forgive the film for missing “this is not an exit”. Weird enough, my first experience with an Easton Ellis adaptation was Less than zero, with Andy McCarthy and Robert Downey Jr. A high school counselor made us watch the film as a sort of anti-drug campaign on school. Honestly, I think she didn’t want to teach a couple of days. I loved the flick and the story, but never got around to read the book until later.

So, Rules of attraction. The article went on long about Sossamon’s experiences filming, and how Theresa Wayman’s grueling suicide scene was tough on everyone. Years later I would find out she was on Warpaint, a band I truly love and managed to interview for another website.

The movie came out on 2023 in the UK and somehow I managed to sneak some time from my MSc to catch it in the cinema. Usually when I had to leave some stuff autoclaving on the lab. When I came back to continue my master’s degree work at the lab, I felt drained. Avary managed a good adaptation of Easton Ellis. It’s not perfect, and I agree with Hot Dog’s take on the book being difficult to adapt. That article had a small subsection of books that would make great films but would be a pain to adapt. The Wasp Factory and Dead Air, both by Iain Banks were on top of the list. So I became a fan of Banks too. Result!

Tomandandy knock it out of the park with their score. I was already a fan of them due to the eerie compositions they pulled in The Mothman Prophecies, and they bring that horror atmosphere to the nightmarish situations Sean Bateman, Lauren Hynde, and Paul Denton get themselves into. Rewinds, dance beats, overprocessed vocals, it’s all there. Kip Pardue’s droll narration for his European Vacation while frantic house music plays tells you everything you need about his dastardly, fiendish behaviour.

The suicide scene is when the story really turns. Lauren gets a horrible dose of reality, Sean Bateman shrugs it off, and we, the audience, want to stop it, but a decision was made. Harry Nilsson’s Can’t live fades with her last breath, and Lauren’s shocking discovery is juxtaposed with a simple guitar and bass track that needs no bell and whistles to discomfort you. There’s something strange in the song, lurking, and you never quite know what it is.

That scene in particular made me think a lot about people I knew. Two people I knew went that route, and one survived, but with lasting psychological troubles. A decade or so later, three more people I knew took that route, and Tomanandy’s song instantly when I heard the news.

It’s tough writing about suicide because I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been affected by it, whether it was a close friend or something more. It’s the quiet monster we neglect to talk about, even if it’s in the back of people we love and care about.

Love your friends and your closed ones. You never truly know what’s going on. And if you see them struggle, talk to them. Even just a quick talk over coffee or tea can help.

-Sam J. Valdés López

PS: Here’s a link for Samaritans. They are amazing people.