It’s easy to make fun of J.J. Abrahms.

Fun, too!

But he managed to do in 2009 something many have failed to do: make Star Trek popular again. Sure, it was now an action romp in space with hints of Sci Fi, but the box office numbers assuaged any “it’s not real Trek criticisms.”

It wasn’t only Abrahms at work here. Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci were on script duties and you could tell at least one of them was a big fan of Trek. Time would prove that it was Orci, and that his fave character was Spock, as he’s easily the most loved character in both Star Trek (2009) and Into Darkness (2012).

Once Orci and Kurtzman broke up, you could tell Kurtzman had it in for Spock. The character’s relegated to a lesser role in Star Trek Beyond (2016) and Discovery did their best to take away a lot from Spock’s character. It felt personal and many a fan sniffed this out.

Look, I don’t hate Alex Kurtzman, but I think he’s the businessman dude. The one that has the social skills to get contracts signed and projects as bad as the Clarice TV show or the failed Dark Universe venture greenlit. I don’t think he’s much of a writer or a director. See the box office failure and critical failure of the mummy.

Star Trek Starfleet Academy, the newest show in the franchise, suffers from Kurtzman’s lack of creativity. Set years after The Burn, the show follows a group of new recruits, all from distinct backgrounds, all of them with emotional baggage, visible or not. I don’t mind humanising characters in a sci fi show, in fact, sci fi is a fertile ground for human emotions. Thing is, you need to be real and not go for the easy mushy stuff. That’s kitchen sink drama.

The most obvious conflict is Caleb Mir, whose arc is basically Nobody’s boy: Remi. He’s separated from his mother (an underused Tatiana Maslany), as she is guilty of joint venturing with Nus Braka, a food stealing/federation killing fiend played in very devilish acting by Paul Giamatti (who do you owe money to, babe?). The dour setting, the scene chewing, it feels forced. And let’s face it, the officer killed was someone’s kid too. Where’s that point of view? Trek in its classic form would give that dead officer a voice. Kurtzman’s trek? Nah.

After a long introduction to our cadets, including an obvious “hey, he’s the class bully” bit, Caleb sends a message to her mother, wistfully on getting a sign from her. The message turns out to be a siren’s call for Nus Braka and his crew to attack and almost destroy Athena, the starfleet academy ship.

The acting is run of the mill, with the occasional jamming. Production values are great, AI piss yellow filter notwithstanding, the music is good. Sure, the ship is a mix between a mall and a twitch streamer’s room, but I don’t mind it.

So what’s the problem? 75 minutes. That’s a major problem. Pace is not good. As much as I like the music, you don’t need music in every scene, playing all the time. Nus Braka feels like Dick Dastardly, chomping the expensive set, two purple prose lines away from twirling his beard. For a ship with a whole new generation of cadets, it’s awfully empty once things go awry. And do we need to continue the “running in corridors” Abrahms’ trope?

Still,  my Bñbiggest complaint: your wanted criminal has just jettisoned out. Do you:

a) Tractor beam him back and beat the acting talent back into his body?

b) Let him chew the scenery…IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE?

You know it’s b). Good luck surviving the equivalent of jumping into the strait of Magellan with waterwings, motherfucker. See you soon.

I really want to like this show. Star Trek is a wide canvas you can do whatever your mind desires. Sadly, all good ideas seem to be at the feet of the easel.

Hey, at least we’re getting another season of Strange New Worlds, a show that actually “gets” Star Trek. Looking forward to that one, but Starfleet Academy is a no from me, I’m afraid.

Sam J. Valdés López

PS: How the fuck do you swallow a combadge? Why? I guess fat jokes are okay for Kurtzman.