The following conversation is 90% true. 

I arrived to my office on a fine Wednesday morning. Coffee was ready as per usual (and as per usual, the contribution of a pound was non-negotiable). Sat down in the cafeteria, looking at the still icy bits of Weston Park when my co-worker Seth sat down with me.

-So…how did it go?

-What?

-The whole “speed hating” debacle you went to yesterday.

-Oh…it was fun.

-Any leads on new “cases”?

-Just went there for a laugh. Needed to clear my head.

-Hope you weren’t moaning about the ex. You’re supposed to talk with people and sell the idea that you’re game, not one of those Moss dudes that are only good for advice and the occasional shopping excursion.

-You were suppose to talk about stuff that bothered you instead of selling yourself like a used TV, mate. I sort of weaved several things about differents ex’es, but did mention a few things that bother me about myself. It’s cheaper than going to therapy and the faces were kinder.

-So what it was like then?

-You were sit in tables at The Harley. There was a list of possible ice-breakers / conversation starters. You were given a fake name at the entry too.

– And yours was?

– Gary.

– As in Gary Barlow?

– Let’s hope it’s him and not Gary Glitter. Maybe they knew I’m a fan of Take That?

– Tsk. Secret shame ahoy. So what happened next?

– Well, you were sit with random strangers that had fake names too and you were given 4 minutes to talk about the stuff you dislike or downright hate.

– Any particular highlight of your night, then?

– Well, for starters, all girls were given strange names. Some were probably plucked out Greek mythology books.

– Uh…

– Maybe overanalysing, anyways, I was sat there and then this girl called Aphrodite and we talked about people with mobiles at the cinema. Then I think she recognised me from another place and guessed my name.

– Uh oh… cover blown!

– All cool, we just kept ranting. I did mention that I felt like a tomato.

– Why would you even say that?

– I have no idea, but it seemed to be the keyword of the night.

– Tomatoes?

– Yes. Either because I insisted in pronouncing it “to-may-to” instead of “to-mah-to” or because it became the main point of discussion with another woman. You see, she hated bananas and I tried to trump that with the little known fact that tomatoes ….

– “to-mah-toes”.

– Whatever. Tomatoes are the hardest thing to stack in a shelf. They are always sneakily moving out of place and there goes your entire day, rolling down the counter. Do you think Sisyphus had it bad? Try stacking tomatoes in a slightly slanted shelf.

– Did she ran to the hills after you said that?

– She was quiet for the rest of the time.

– How long?

– 3 minutes out of 4.

– You’re gonna die alone. What happened after?

– Well, there were a few strange goings. A guy who preceded me was the flower equivalent of the Boston strangler. He wriggled every single rose & carnation on the tables, so my first sight after sighting was the smelly carcass of a flower. Sometimes the sick bastard spread the petals in a ritualistic way. What does it mean?

– Hamsters running in the fairground. Go on.

– Things were getting weirder, but in the end, it was the last couple of conversations when it got delirious. I think the “jaded” factor increased exponentially in the last couple of conversations. First it was a girl that seemed bored out of her mind, possibly my fault, although she re-assured me that I was better than Outkast. How so? They might have the snazzy clothes but I do have a postgraduate degree.

– Andre 3000 is fitter than you.

– I know. The next one had these ideas about Roy from the IT crowd setting back the Irish sense of pride a few decades back and the last one, well, I couldn’t hear her that well, the sound was a little loud and she was a bit nesh. I got moved into a final sofa, where a girl got called some bizarre name that kinda rhymed with Polyester. She was fun but time ran out so our conversation got cut short.

– Cool beans. Then what did you do? Stuck around to chat with anyone? Blagged some Merlot wine from a girl that looked like Wednesday Addams? Finally got around to steal that horse mannequin you’ve been promising you will nick?

– Ah, no, actually had a cider and walked home alone.

– …oh…that’s odd.

– Like I said, just needed a laugh.

– Well, at least it didn’t end like that time you were at Bungalows and Bears and you met that singer from Brighton and you blew it with her.

– She’s a megastar.

– She was talking to you the longest.

– She was probably getting the pepper spray ready.

– Or stalling the bouncers. You don’t know. You will never know. It just happened, maybe you’ll meet her again. Or someone like her.

– I see what you did there… anyways, like I said, I needed a laugh and it was a fun event to go to.

– You don’t sound like you had fun.

– I did, it just felt like it was over too fast.

– To be fair, you should’t be released on the general population for more than 30 minutes, so if it lasted any longer than that, then the place will get a fine from the government under the Geneva Convention’s clause about cruel and unusual punishment.

– You know, Seth, I’m really happy you’re my best friend here in England.

– And I’m happy you’re getting used to what we “limeys” call sarcasm. Let’s go get a jammy dodger.

And so we did.

Words: Garrett.