We gave our jack of all trades, Orestes Xistos a couple of tenners and a list of films to review. This piece of shit is what we got. A free CD and a pint if you can point out all the references to other films.
Cast: Forrest Gump, Erin Brockovich, the cast of Glee, Nelly’s best friend.
It all starts with Robert Langdon, who has left the clue solving business for a much more calm job at his local Fed Ex. After being wrongly accused of sexual harassment by a co-worker (brilliantly played by a volleyball), Robert gets depressed and buys a house that turns out to be a total money pit. Joe, his neighbour, battles volcanoes and suggests he should go to Ryan community college, because you never know what you gonna get.
Robert meets two very important teachers at school. One is Vivian, a former hooker that was married to some squinty eyed idiot and the other is Robin Williams (playing himself) with a beard. Hooker teacher (Vivian, not Robin) is a sassy know it all alcoholic and teaches him the importance of communicating with the audience. Robin Williams teaches him about economics, campy Star Trek actors, Walt Whitman and hugs him when he has flashbacks of being beaten by his drunken father (played by Ben Affleck).
Langdon hooks up with a gang of plucky kids (led by the Mexican non-unionised equivalent of Matt Damon) that sing and dance and do aerials with scooters. They teach him how to be hip and make him confident in his abilities (all in a montage sung to the tune of ‘That thing you do’). Langdon and Vivian hook up in the end, but first they have to fight Robin Williams, who is obsessed with her family pictures and chases them through the desolate midnight sun of Alaska, only to drown with Al Pacino.
In a nutshell: A naïve 90s feel good film in a cynical age (no, not the 90s).
Cast: That chick from that alien film with Simon Pegg, the red herring from Insidious, a fat joke walking, a blonde stereotype, a silent redhead, Don Draper and Roy (have you tried turning it off and on again?).
The movie starts with a warning: it’s a chick flick through the hazy eyes of Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow (who totally didn’t write anything, they were just chillin’ on set smoking ganja). Angsty Blonde (who used to make cakes until Simon Pegg left her for Nick Frost) is on a dead end job and her BFF (let’s call her Sassy McPrissy) is getting married (to Robert Langdon, of course). So Angsty Blonde is asked to become a bridesmaid and Matt Lucas and his bald head randomly pop by (with Vicky Pollard on tow).
Angsty Blonde meets Sassy’s friends. One is a Bored Blonde Mum with goblins as kids (we never hear from her much), the other is a gingerly bird (who we never get to know at all) that has no weight in the story but has cute eyes. Last but not least, we meet Red Herring from Insidious, who has “villain” tattooed on her forehead (courtesy of Brad Pitt and his basterds). Through a bunch of sketches, we find that Angsty Blonde misses having a cake shop, that she bangs Don Draper (who hasn’t aged thanks to alcohol and smokes) and that her life totally sucks, and, well, we don’t find anything about the rest. It’s all about her. This is the Bromance equivalent of “Eat, pray, love” but with more shit jokes (food poisoning is less painful that the sketch featured here). Oh and men are scum. Remember that and if not, the movie won’t let you. Really. If you are a guy, just look in a mirror and say you hate yourself for 2 hours while someone covers Violent Femmes’ ‘Blister in the sun’.
Meanwhile, Angsty Blonde Cupcakes meets Roy, who is broken hearted that Moss left to do the American version of the IT Crowd and didn’t call him nor that Jen chick (I’d totally piledrive her into marriage, maybe the other way around). For some reason, Roy is a cop (Irish and a cop…uh oh, where’s Leo DiCaprio?) and he and Angsty Blonde Cupcakes start a romance. Over carrots and 7 11 coffee.
After more sketches (what is this, an episode of Saturday Night Live?), we get a montage of how shit Angsty’s life is. We also get a revenge scene where Red Herring becomes the lynchpin of Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo’s grudges. Seriously, the scene is mean and feels more like a axe being grinded while balancing a chip on a shoulder (with vinegar). But it’s okay, because it happens to a villain. Kick them while they are down, so I say every time I kick milk maids in the barn.
The movie ends with a shoot-out to the tune of ‘That’s when I reach for my revolver’ (Moby’s cover version, though) while white doves fly. Angsty Blonde joins college and hooks up with Tom Hanks (what a twist!) and Don Draper (still looking young after all those glasses of scotch on the rocks) reminds you he is in a better show. So go watch Mad Men instead of this drivel (for the record: I hate ‘Knocked up’). Silver lining? This is better than Green Lantern.
In a nutshell: Little Britain meets How I met your mother meets Date Movie meets Knocked Up.
Cast: Mr. Tumnus, Jenny Gump, Enterprise Chief of Operations Miles O’Brien, Tom Wilkinson, Marilyn Manson’s girlfriend and that hot chick from The Gilmore Girls.
We start with Mr. Tumnus, who has left Narnia to join the Union and kick some White Witch ass. He also kicks the Confederates square in the Lees (but not the Generals). He is wounded but survives (because of his love of Keira Knightley) and now hangs out in upscale clubs with that eyeless idiot from the Mac commercials (with a hipster mustache, as he’s hiding from John McClane).
Lincoln forgets to put “God Mode” on, so he gets totally fragged by some n00b (who even taunts him, he’s so gonna get IP banned). The USA goes to do what they do best (bub) and avenges the death of their president by killing the
terrorist assassin without trial, with the body of the dude totally crispified in a barn that burnt like the ocean.
Then, a bunch of generals (led by Chief of Operations Miles O’Brien) want to show that nobody messes with the USA and gangs up everyone involved in Lincoln’s assassination (including some dude called Patsy) and conducts a trial in search of
scapegoats justice. Mr. Tumnus is forced to defend one of the accused, partly because Tom Wilkinson said “tag, you are it!” but mostly because he starred in that piece of shit Atonement. Fuck that condescending movie and all that it represents.
So after pondering if it is right to punish someone where there is reasonable doubt and wondering if due process is valid during a time of war and strife, Mr. Tumnus acts with the same passion as someone put on brushing his sideburns. He also of flirts with two girls that look similar and gets some legal advice from Tom Wilkinson (playing himself, he’s a time traveller hiding from Begbie and his obsession with dancing ‘Hot Stuff’, you see).
We get more courtroom drama, a subtle message about the pursuit of justice instead of revenge (as subtle as the stones breaking Evan Rachel Wood’s windows) and then we get a downbeat ending. So downbeat and depressing that I went to see Transformers to lift my spirits (via Robot Testicles, 3D objectification and Michael Bay’s awesome chest).
At the end, Robert Redford (he can time travel like Tom Wilkinson!) walks hand in hand with Michael Moore with a banner saying “GET IT???”. I get some milk duds, applaud the movie and get a cowcrush on James McAvoy.
In a nutshell: Redford does here what he couldn’t in Lions for Lambs. Fuck yeah.
Transformers 3D: Open up your wallets one last time.
Cast: A bunch of lifeless effects passing as humans, Barton Fink and cool ass robots.
Shia is an average dude who wakes up one day to find he’s turned into a CGI artefact in a world of three second shots, smoking babes and radio friendly MOR songs (Goo Goo Dolls rule, though). He also finds that instead of breathing, he has to say “no” a lot. He works for a guy who looks like John Malkovich but acts like Larry The Cable Guy. He’s also being unfaithful to Sally Sparrow with a chick that’s being seduced by McDreamy. His parents drop by to remind him that they paid for a college education, so instead of being a CGI artefact, he should be jumping from vine to vine with monkeys.
He does so and ruins another franchise while listening to Rihanna. In the meantime, no more than a swallow’s flight away, O2 (played by Tyrese) uncovers a government conspiracy regarding the Moon landing. He hooks up with Joey, a blonde cop (played by Paul Walker) and they go to Chernobyl (which totally looks like a Detroit industrial state). They fight with The Rock and Vin Diesel, but are saved by the power of a couple of delicious cupcakes they bought from some angsty blonde spinster.
They escape with the help of some dudes in squirrel suits, who have gained the power of flight thanks to Red Bull. They fly so fast that, for a few frames, they jump into The Island’s chase sequence. After ogling at Scarlett Johansson and goosing Ewan McGregor (and who wouldn’t?), they get a call from a couple of astronauts that can help them destroy the conspiracy!
In turns out that the Moon landing was not faked, but part of a bigger cover up that includes the first mission to Mars and Kevin Costner’s accent in JFK. O2 and Joey rush to a meeting with James Brolin and OJ Simpson, who reveal all. They eventually enter a room full of monitors where a white clad figure who is “The All Powerful Source of Energy and Wisdom” (played by Oprah Winfrey) reveals all conspiracies, bringing the Illuminati down and freeing America once again. Fuck yeah.
Oh, and some robots fight.
In a nutshell: Optimus shows us how to dispose properly of villains. It was awesome.
Next week: We ponder what is worst: Atonement, Coldplay’s ‘Fix you’, Hostel or an infected bunion ruining your Chuck Taylor’s.
Words: Orestes “Maddafacow” Xistos.