Part 2: Where we decide that talking about Cult stuff and childhood crushes is better than music.
As the rain wanes into a gentle drizzle and the alcohol quantities go into Bukowski levels, Amy, Ian and James look more comfortable and my voice becomes slightly more slurred and lisped than usual. After Amy has joked about Ian’s tie, we proceed to pull a “Yer actual” on the interview and change the rhythm without any warning…
Sloucher: You can get your handbags out for this one. The effects of reality tv versus musicians.
Amy: They’re just televising what’s always been happening. There will always be people scouting for jolly birds, it happened in the sixties. People got picked up just because of how they looked. It was also easier to get into the music industry, if you were from Liverpool and you could get a record deal easy. It doesn’t affect us as a band.
James: It’s a complete different world than the one we are at, or care about. That doesn’t make a difference to me. If it were there or not, it would not make a change in the way we do our music.
Amy: Can’t go wrong with Girls Aloud! Pure pop genius! Love ’em!
Ian: It’s not made for people like us.
Amy: They don’t want anybody that’s got attitude or interesting vocals. [X-Factor] is just like vocal gymnastics, it’s not a band or a pop group. It would be like us thinking about us as a pop band, which WE are. But we are not on that same sphere.
Ian: I’d never put myself through it. I admire them for doing it!
Amy: They have massive balls. Really.
Ian: They put themselves through all that training, too much effort for me, I just couldn’t be arsed! They are more dedicated than me, in many ways.
Ian: We’d much rather just sit at home making feedback on the guitar than ever be in anything that has to do with Simon Cowell.
James: I don’t know like people grumbling about it being the end of music. It’s the way things have been done for a while.
Ian: It’s so boring, but there’s nothing else better on telly.
Amy: It’s so annoying, isn’t it?
Ian: You watch Doctor Who on a Saturday night and then what you gonna do?
Sloucher: Yeah, so it’s either X-Factor or Doctor Who.
Ian, James: Doctor Who.
Amy: Doctor Who every time!
Sloucher: I’d rather watch a pepperpot chasing people than somebody doing a cover…
Ian: Didn’t they have the Daleks doing reality TV? The Anne Droid and “The Weakest Link” and she gets exterminated. And also “Big Brother” all in a big spaceship. And if you lost you get exterminated. That’s all good.
Ian: But not as good as the Daleks and the Cybermen larking about. You remember that?
Ian: “You’ll take over ze vorld wif three Daleks?” “We’ll take over ze vorld wif one Dalek!”
James: Go Daleks!
Amy: I’m a bit bored with them now.
James: They were at the train station the other day!
Amy: They can’t bring them back every 5 minutes. They need to leave them out for a series and then bring them back. You don’t forget how scary they are. There’s no build up for them, is there?
Sloucher: And now they look like Power Rangers!
Amy: They totally do! The yellow one’s a girl!
James: They need to change the shape. It’s because they made them from different parts.
Amy: (in sing song) I know, I know.
James: It’s not that bad.
Amy: They should bring back the Bertie Bassett one.
James: The Kandy Man? I fucking hated it, terrified me as a kid. Really fucking scared me!
Sloucher: I saw the one with that monster.
Amy: Sheffield! Bassett! C’mon! We need a lovely Doctor Who Sheffield action thing going on.
Sloucher: Okay, favourite actor to portray Doctor Who and why?
James: Oh, too early yet, but I think Matt Smith is gonna be a good ‘un. I grew up with Sylvester McCoy…
James: He wasn’t the best Doctor.
Ian: Ace was good.
Amy: She was rubbish! All boys fancied her! She was crap! She was fully lame!
Ian: Yeah but I was 8. It doesn’t really matter, right?
Amy: When I was 8 I fancied Spiderman. Not Peter Parker. Spiderman. You suck.
Ian: I fancied that girl from “Return to Oz”.
Amy: Everybody liked her, she’s hot.
Sloucher: Zooey Deschannel?
Ian: I dunno her name.
Sloucher: Oh, you mean the one from the 80s. I know there’s a recent one with her.
James: That’s “Tin man”!
Amy: Fairuza Balk, yeah!
Sloucher: She was great in “The Craft”.
Amy: She was awesome in “The Craft”.
Sloucher: That fight at the end!
Amy: Oh, you losers!
Ian: I fancied her on “Return to Oz” but haven’t followed her. So what?
Amy: Your cultural references are so diabolical.
Sloucher (to Amy): So, favourite Doctor Who and why?
Amy: Obviously Baker, T. The Better Baker. The Doctor with the scarf.
Sloucher: The only Baker.
Sloucher: I had therapy!
Amy: Baker T is my favourite of all time but I’m loving the new one, oh, he’s definitely getting it.
James, Ian: (laughing)
Sloucher: Even if he doesn’t have any eyebrows…
Amy: I know! I think that with Tennant we had too much eyebrow at work.
Sloucher: And too much gum.
Amy: Oh, a lot of gum. And no chin! We swapped more chin for less eyebrow. And he’s a lot taller as well, so, yeah, I like that.
Ian: I liked Christopher Eccleston, he always beat them up.
Amy: His jacket was horrible!
James: It’s an angry Doctor, I like that.
Ian: It’s a darker approach.
Amy: I choose my Doctor purely on their clothes (laugh).
James: Amy is very shallow.
Sloucher: I have a Tom Baker scarf in my power. I brought it to Sheffield. I might post a picture of it.
Amy: You should totally rock it, why aren’t you wearing it now?
Sloucher: It’s washing.
Amy: Is it?
Sloucher: It stinks as I used it a lot!
Amy: I’ll let you off, then, but next time: scarf.
Sloucher: I’ll talk with the editors and see if they want to put a picture.
Amy: There’s also Romana from Tom Baker, she’s my fashion style icon.
James: Romana 2?
Amy: No, the little one. The first one, with the Victorian blouses.
James: That’s Romana 2.
Amy: Is it?
Ian: Just Google it.
Amy: Oh yeah, because the other one is scary Amazonian. Terrifying! Yeah, sorry, getting it all mixed up.
James: Did you want the interview to be about Doctor Who? (laughs)
Sloucher: That’s alright, the editors won’t mind. [You are fired – Quinto]
Amy: If you said the interview would be on Saturday at whichever time the BBC has decided to put it on this week…
Ian: It’d be during the adverts.
Sloucher: They are messing with us fans.
Amy: Yeah. We would have to say “no, sorry”. Interview or hot Doctor action?
James: Or Amy Pond action.
Amy: Oh, she’s beautiful. She’s getting it!
Sloucher: Ok, two more questions, we are almost finished?
Ian: Are they Doctor Who based?
Amy: Run around!
Sloucher: We could do more!
Ian: Are they based on Logan’s Run? (all laugh)That’s a good film.
[Editor´s note: It’s a sci fi film from the seventies. It’s set in a dystopia-like future where people are executed when they reach 30. It’s great fun!]
Amy: We’d be dead in two years.
Ian: I’d be dead by now.
Sloucher: I would be dead too.
Amy: Oh my God, I forgot how old I am. I’ll be dead by October!
Sloucher: (muttering) We’ll be dead if we keep drinking like this…
Amy: To be honest, if I had to wear a jumpsuit all the time, I’d better be dead.
Amy: They are not very forgiving, are they?
Sloucher: I wouldn’t wear one. I can hide some kilos with this get up, but, no, Lycra never lies.
Amy: I would like the monorails.
Ian: [Logan’s Run is] one of my favourite films.
Sloucher: I like the weapons, they were fucking awesome.
Amy: I like the new Doctor Who because he kinda looks like Michael York.
Sloucher: You’re right!
Ian: (nods no)
Amy: Yes, he does.
James: I know someone who looks like Michael York.
Amy: Oh my God! Hook a brother up!
(to be continued)
Words and first photograph: Sam
You can get a free song by Smokers Die Younger right here.
About the author: Fairuza Balk is underrated. Fact. So is the soundtrack for The Craft.