Blog: Why I’m not becoming a Water Slide Tester
Keyboard Warriors – a group of generally shallow, flippant, self-obsessed, arrogant individuals who fester in front of their computers, espousing their latest banal beliefs to a vast, uncaring online world.
But not all warriors are bad. There are different levels of these warriors.
Those who merely use their internet connection to insult are not warriors, they are bullies – bullies in an ever-increasing sphere of cyber-bullying.
And those who parade internet forums with little aim than to ruin the lives of the members are not much better either.
But then you have the level of warriors who ridicule and joke, who poke fun and jest, and often expose the actual bullshit message that is underneath. I like to call these ‘Keyboard Comics’. This is where I, and a vast majority of others, attempt to reside.
I’m not calling myself a comedian – and no one in this category readily does – but we do like to poke fun. Don’t try to justify ethics, feelings, or anything else that matters. Just accept it – poking fun is enjoyable, especially when it’s against an entity which you can see is hiding something under the shadow of their seemingly approachable online presence.
And let’s face it – the internet makes it easier for you to go on to Twitter and call an entire company ‘a bunch of cunts’, because you probably won’t call them that in real life.
So take holidaymaker First Choice and their PR-laden attempt to ‘advertise’ a job as a ‘Water Slide Tester’, which is a very good disguise of raising their company profile.
The perks sound good – a six-month paid stint to test water slides and review them, with no expenses, which then concludes with a two-week holiday. There are certainly worse ways to spend a summer.
The job – which is advertised on Facebook – is nothing more than the latest line of social media marketing. Regardless, thousands of people have applied, listing their attributes as best they can in 1,000 characters, accompanying them with a profile picture of themselves.
I’m quoting now – bad grammar is original – but I shall spare the names. Some applicants include:
- ‘A water slide LOVER!!!’ – The exclamation points show your enthusiasm
- ‘I’m already a rescuw divar’ – Someone needs to rescue your grammar
- ‘I love kids and know what kids like’ – Go away, Jimmy
So I applied too, with the picture you see at the top, and the description below.
WATER-SLIDE TESTER APPLICATION
Appropriately summing myself up in 1,000 characters of prose is difficult. So I’ve written a list, all in bite-sized bait chunks.
- I’ve never drowned
- I’m slippery (due to my parents both being Sea Bass)
- I am physically fit and can defeat some water-based monsters (except Giant Squid – you just don’t mess with that many limbs)
- I enjoy slipping along deep, moist, well-bored chutes. Could I make a sex joke here? I don’t know as I don’t understand the human process of sex
- I have gills
- I can type with my flippers
- I can see through PR bullshit
- Owing to the fact my parents are Sea Bass, I do smell. A lot.
- I cannot function properly on land (but have amazing IT skills)
- Fishermen scare me
- I fall for PR bullshit
Overall, I’m a lovely albeit misjudged entity – like an Angler Fish, or David Cameron’s popularity. If you give me this job, I will be the best tester you will ever know. I’ve done lots of tests before (mainly for water-based diseases) but I promise I will clear myself of these before taking up this post.
Also, if I get this job, I would like some Phish Food – yeah, that ice cream stuff. I found some on the aquarium floor while I was bottom feeding and it tasted so much better than that ‘Fish Food’ crap I keep being fed.
Words: Ashley Scrace